My Daily Struggle

December 30, 2017: On December 29, at 9:30 am, I started going to counseling and I saw a Dr. I'm being diagnosed with Bi-polar II. My moods have been very unstable recently. I'm being put on different medicine than I was before. I am waiting now for the pharmacy to locate and obtain gluten free medicine for me. I started group counseling today.  It's interesting to say the least. There are people in there that I can relate with very easily.  I hope this makes me not feel alone. I know I'm not, yet I feel like I am. I have my parents, and my 2 friends. Group counseling was tough cause my anxiety reared its ugly head a bit. It wasn't severe, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Men and women both. I sat between women to try to feel more comfortable. I wanted to run away and hide. Once I got home it calmed down. I want to get my agoraphobia under control when it comes to unfamiliar territory. I made a decision today to do the $1 a week savings plan as my New Yea...

December 24, 2017: I am going through a lot right now. However, I don't want friends or family to worry about me right now. I have my parents and my 2 best friends who I'm in contact with daily. Right now I only need good vibes, good thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe down the road. I'm getting the help I need. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

December 23, 2017: It's just shortly after midnight, and I've had a miserable day. I am in excruciating pain from head to toe. It rained.  So my arthritis hurt, and my fibromyalgia hurt. In addition to that pain last night at work I injured my left index finger and now I can't bend it. I am extremely irritable and I just want to scream at everyone for no reason, and for everything! Dad would walk through the house and I could feel every step he took as if he was stepping on me instead of the floor. I am so physically tired and exhausted. I'm physically drained. Just being in existence felt like it hurt. I'm pretty certain my hair hurt, because I hurt so bad. My pain was beyond a 10 today. I slept from 3:45 am till 11am and again from 12:30pm till 3:15pm. I used heat, my oils, pain medication, and got no relief. I'm not sure what else to do. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

December 11, 2017: When I or anyone else is dealing with PTSD flashbacks, it's not pretty. When I feel threatened, I get on the extreme defensive end when there is no need to be. I reach the fight or flight mode. I'm ready to fight or I'm ready to run, and sometimes it's both. I found this in my readings about PTSD. Just a list of things you should know about when dealing with someone who has PTSD. 1. Give me space when I need to be alone – don’t overwhelm me with questions. I’ll come and talk to you when I’m ready. 2. Get away from me if I am out of control, threatening, or violent. 3. Be patient with me, especially if I am irritable. 4. Don’t personalize my behavior when I explode or get quiet. 5. Learn and rehearse a time out process. 6. Don’t patronize me or tell me what to do. Treat me with respect and include me in conversations and decision making. 7. Don’t pity me. 8. Don’t say “I understand” when there are some...

December 10, 2017: PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm doing some reading about it in order to help explain it to you, my readers. Many people don't understand it. I found a few things to help me explain it. To be diagnosed with PTSD, an adult must have all of the following for at least 1 month: *At least one re-experiencing symptom *At least one avoidance symptom *At least two arousal and reactivity symptoms *At least two cognition and mood symptoms Re-experiencing symptoms include: *Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating *Bad dreams *Frightening thoughts Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. The symptoms can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing symptoms. Avoidance symptoms include: *Staying away from places, events, or objects that are rem...

December 7, 2017: Most people know today as Pearl Harbor Day. In my family, today is known as the day Memaw, Momma, Wife, and our Sister, passed away. I wrote a poem years ago about the dearest person to all of us. Mostly about what she was to me. WHAT IS A MEMAW? A Memaw ...      ... is gentle,      ... is kind,      ... is beautiful,      ... teaches you how to plant seeds,      ... gives advice and help when needed,      ... puts fresh picked berries lined up uniformly on the edge of a cabinet and then comes back and says, "Where did my berries go?" Knowing full well, where they were,      ... makes potato bread and slices it fresh out of the oven,      ... makes forts out of bedsheets and chairs,      ... gives sink baths when the showers are full,      ... makes Mickey Mous...

December 6, 2017:  Have I ever mentioned how I hate anemia? No...? I do. Last night I hit my knee on a chair. Not even an hour later I had a nice sized bruise on my knee. I randomly get bruises from who knows where along my legs and arms. I look like I have been beat up at times. Only by myself though. Then last night while I was running the floor scrubber, my right arm started to hurt from just about 2 inches above my elbow and all the way down to the tips of my fingers. The pain spread fast. The next thing I know, I was no longer able to move my hand. For a half hour I couldn't move it. My fingers were not even twitching. My hand was completely seized up and my muscles contorted in my hand, making my hand look weird for a lack of a better description. I'm pretty certain this was all because of my lovely fibromyalgia. Muscle spasms, and pain. My brother asked if I had medicine to take. Well, nothing that was an immediate muscle relief like what he was thinking about. Then, su...

December 5, 2017: Yesterday morning as I was talking to my friend, he inadvertently triggered a flashback and my anxiety flared up. I wanted to shut my phone off and not talk to him right then and there. I couldn't fight off the memories, the pain, the touch. I got in the shower, tried and tried to force myself to feel the heat, and the texture of the water on my skin. I felt like I was drowning in my misery and my thoughts. I felt like I was back at the exact moment in time it happened. My chest was tightened and killing me from the pain. I was afraid. Trembling uncontrollably. I knew it wasn't his fault. We had never discussed the topic. I don't like saying it. I can't say what happened. I want to hide it from myself. Pretend it never happened. Right now, thinking about it is causing panic and fear. Trying to blog about the feeling and emotions I went through is torture. You never truly know fear, until some buried memory and scar, is scraped up and poked and prodded ...

November 27, 2017: I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to say anymore. I pour my heart out to you. I am a bit depressed right at the moment.  I have so much stuff going on in my mind from work, personal health issues, and life. I'm attracted to a few guys that I will never be with. Either on a mental or physical attraction level. I truly believe I'm supposed to stay single anymore. It seems like everyone has kids, is divorced or just dumb. I don't want to be a guy's Jiminy Cricket and tell him that's not smart. I don't want to be his brains and figure everything out for him. I don't want to be his common sense. I don't want to do the thinking for both of us. I have enough things to think about as is. I want a Christian that will go to church with me and help me build my faith. I've been to local churches and Christian sites. No one talks to you on there. No one is interested in me. They admire the fact that I'm opening myself u...

November 23, 2017: Today is the national holiday we here in America call Thanksgiving. I can't begin to express my thoughts about it. If this blog is long, my apologies to you as the reader. Many many years ago the pilgrims who traveled here struggled to survive. The local Native Americans had been living here for years and years. They all put their differences aside for a time and helped each other out. There was so much the pilgrims learned from the Native Americans. They gathered one day and had a very large feast and celebrated. They were thankful for everything. Today, we are a great nation. I am little ol' me. I have not done anything incredible. I will not be read about in books. However, I can still tell you that I'm very grateful for many things. *Christ dying on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins *My family *My 2 best friends Frank and Autumn *My other friends that I will not call out by name *My job *My church family *My doctors *Technology to treat my h...

November 15, 2017: I have to remind myself everyday, you are living today. You are not living in tomorrow. You are not living in yesterday. Today. Right now! This second. Not in an hour. Now! I wanted to say that I can't work tomorrow, because I hurt today. I can't do that. I have to try everyday, despite all of the mental pain and physical pain I'm in. Today, I drank a glass of Thyme tea with honey and a glass of Green tea with honey in hopes of easing my fibromyalgia and arthritis. Just a few days ago I had a face to face run in with an old boyfriend of mine. I know he recognized me because he made eye contact with me, lingered around while I spoke to a friend. Then once I walked away, I found my very protective loving brother, told my brother that he was there, saw me and made eye contact with me. I then quickly disappeared in one of the mall corridors for employees only. My brother later told me that he had followed me down the Dillards wing looking around for me. I la...

November 12, 2017: Tick tock, tick tock goes 2 of the clocks in the house near me. My head feels like it's in a vice grip. My entire body feels like I've been in a car accident and was severely bruised all over. My face even hurts. I'm still itchy from the medicine I was taking for my fibromyalgia. I can tell it's starting to leave my system. I finally got a hold of gluten free medicine. I go back to my Dr tomorrow for further treatment and to discuss the possibility of disability. I know that I'm going to be in pain and have good days and bad days. However, I'm having more bad days than good right now. I understand the cold temperatures, the rain, and the future snow will always effect me. I know that I've been a bit depressed recently. However, I have so much on my plate right now, that it's running off the sides of the plate. I'm completely overwhelmed. All I can do is pray, take it one day at a time ask for prayers and deal with it the best I can...

November 1, 2017: I am ok. I am alive. I am breathing. I will survive. I'm a survivor. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Meaning, I have survived traumatic events. Everyday things that you may not think 2 seconds about, are things that trigger me. If I see a fire truck, I can feel hands gripped around my throat choking me and cutting the blood flow to my brain. I deal with triggers everyday.  I try to hide them from everyone when it's happening. However, last night as I blogged, I expressed feelings of what I deal with everyday. Some days are worse than others. Yes, I expressed very sad, depressive thoughts. Just because I have depressing thoughts, does not mean I will kill myself. You can not know what it is like seeing an abusive person's face everyday because it is burned into your memory. I promise. I am fine. I have family here. I have my friend Frank and Autumn whom I can and will reach out to first. They both keep me in check. They will kick my butt, talk, or...

October 31, 2017: I was accused at my job of things I didn't do. I was accused of calling other employees a "bitch". I said that I could be one, but I never called anyone else that. Half truths were told. Now I am being accused of doing something to PTSD the magazine's accounts.  Why would I do anything to hurt or sabotage something that I wanted to be apart of? Why is my life being destroyed? What I have I done to make everyone hate me? Why!? I can't scream loud enough! I'm in so much mental pain. I can't make it stop. The flashbacks of the rest of my life are flooding in like someone opened the flood gates. The physical abuse I've endured, I feel all of that pain. I don't have the desire to live right now, but I made a promise to someone. I just want the pain to stop! Why is everyone doing this to me? What did I do!? I'm terrified out of my mind. Now his fiancee is requesting access to my book I started writing years ago. I'm afraid she ...

October 28, 2017: PRAYING by Kesha Well, you almost had me fooled Told me that I was nothing without you Oh, but after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin', changin' I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin' I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again And you said that I was done Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come 'Cause I can make it on my own And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh When I'm finished, they won't even know your name You brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin...

October 25, 2017: My day at work was miserable! I don't think miserable even begins to describe it, honestly. I get to work minding my own business, doing my job. Co-worker comes to me who has been there over a month now, who sometimes acts completely clueless some days, says "I don't have a scanner, I don't know what to do." I said "ok, let me see if I can find them," because other people come and take our equipment all the time and never return it. She said "Ok, while you do that, I'm going to put a couple of things away," whole pointing to the items. I noticed it was clearance stuff. I said, "Hey could you help me out while I find the scanners?" She says ok. Told her what I wanted help with. I thanked her several times for the help. I went to find the scanners, spent 25 MINUTES of my time doing stuff for her and one other person! All the while, I got gripped at for not being able to do a "locate" on the scanners by so...

October 22, 2017: Well as many of my friends through Facebook now know, I'm now writing for a brand new magazine, PTSD the magazine. It's an online magazine. I have wrote an article for the first publication. I'm super excited about this new adventure. Not only am I writing for the magazine, but I'm also helping to manage the Facebook and Instagram accounts for the magazine. I'm excited about where this journey takes me. I'm hoping to remember this feeling of being on cloud 9 right now to help me get through my bad days. Not everyday is a basket of roses. Somedays are nothing to brag and write home about. When we have our bad days as all of us will, we have to remember the good ones. The birth of a child, a marriage, or even a promotion. I've dealt with the loss of my sweet Skizix for 2 months now. As I move forward with my life without him, I look back and realize how important he was to my mental health. If you don't have a pet  get one. I can't e...

October 18, 2017: Depression is not a good thing. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, to me, it feels like a never ending tunnel. You feel abandoned by others.  Just last week I was trying to explain to my coworkers exactly what is going on and I felt ignored. They didn't care. I tried apologizing for my behaviors because I am dealing with so much that my brain can't even handle it all. My stress level is at a breaking point. Most days I feel like people don't even believe a word I say. I was even asked if fibromyalgia is contagious. The person who asked was only concerned about themself. Didn't care about me.  No concern shown towards me. No sympathy at all. Just a "I can't afford to get sick". There has only been 3 people who actually listen to everything. I confessed to one of the people that I felt abandoned and alienated by everyone. Fine, so be it. Go away. I'd rather eat my lunch and breaks alone then be around someon...

October 15, 2017: I'm in so much pain right now, I almost started crying at church today. I sat there not opening a song book because I didn't have the physical strength to pick one up, and it hurt to badly. I'm freezing cold because of the weather. Depression has set in. This is my new life. I discovered today thast the medicine I have been taking for my fibro has wheat in it. So, for the last week, I've literally been poisoning myself slowly, one day at a time. Not only am I in extreme pain because it's cold outside, but my insides are now in extreme pain and feel like they're being shred apart. Why does medicine have to have gluten. It is serving no medical purpose in the treatment of my fibro. It is only making me feel worse. I'm so tired I can barely right this now as is. I guess I'm keeping it short today. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

October 12, 2017: I started my new medicine Monday. The reality of living with fibromyalgia set in yesterday. I'm going to have good and bad days. I don't know if my good days or bad days will out weigh the other. I literally started crying because I'm going to live with this pain for the rest of my life. The arthritis and fibromyalgia. It's scary thinking that I just turned 32 and I already have all of these painful issues. Tuesday while I was working, i felt amazing. I didn't really hurt except for my arthritis. After I went home, I started getting stiff and hurting. Then Wednesday was miserable. I left work early. I could barely move let alone walk. I still had to drive home. Once I got home I just went to bed and slept. I woke up and I was still hurting and miserable. I cried. I was depressed. I wanted to snap my fingers and turn the pain off. I even wanted to blink myself home, in bed, in my pajamas, all covered up and warm. I couldn't deal with the pain a...

October 9, 2017: Today has started off just like any other day has for me in the past few weeks. Muscular pain, stiffness, spasms and weakness. I don't feel like things are getting better.  In fact it might be worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a coworker who has maybe worked 8 days since I started at Meijer. One of her many excuses for not showing up at work is because she needed 2 weeks off for plantar fasciitis. Yes I know that it hurts, I have it myself. However, my current conditions trump her foot. I went to the Dr earlier and sdhe said she wondered if my pain was caused by fibromyalgia. She's putting me on some medicine for it and we'll see how things go. I'm hopeful it works. I need answers now! I have more exciting news to share but I don't want to share it just yet. It's awesome and exciting and could even potentially open new doors for me. We'll see how that goes. Praying everything else works out well though. This is my blog. Th...

October 6, 2017: I got my lab results Thursday morning. Everything was normal. Well as normal as it can be for me. I go back to my Dr on Monday. I'm still in pain. Still dealing with muscle weakness and physical exhaustion. I'm extremely glad that I'm off work tomorrow.  I can rest up tomorrow and get some things done hopefully. I left my job at the mall, and I hopefully will be less stressed out. I've been on dating sites, and I had one guy come at me with all the negativity in his life and then asked me to tell him mine. I'm sorry dude I don't know you. I don't want to sit her thinking about all the negativity in my life.  I don't want to think about the men that have hurt me. You don't ever ask a person with PTSD to tell every story with detail. You might as well say hey, I'm going to make you relive the worst times of your life for my own entertainment and curiosity, because I can only focus on negative stuff. A person with PTSD does not wa...

October 2, 2017: Happy October everyone! This is my most favorite month of the year. Halloween time. The leaves change colors. It's perfect hoodie weather. I'd wear a hoodie year round if the weather allowed for such clothing. My hoodie is sorta like my own personal security blanket. My bed quilt I made is definitely my personal security blanket. I think anything soft/fluffy and warm is my comfort. Right now, that's all I crave. I want softness, warmth, and a sense of security. I'm afraid of the unknown.  I'm afraid of my answers. I hurt from head to toe, every square inch of me. People pat me on the back, touch my arm and they don't realize how much that hurts me. I understand people forget that I'm hurting or don't even realize it. I try so hard to be nice to people right now, but it's so hard to do. I don't want to be around anyone because I am afraid of being touched. I went to the Dr today and talked to my Dr. about everything going on. She...

September 30, 2017: I reckon I truly am forevermore alone. Meet a fellow Christian on an online site. Everything was going great. Except he wanted me to come over that night to meet and spend the night. I had no desire to. He asked if it was too soon to save my number as "future wife"? Uhmmmm... ok. I'm flattered. He broke his hand, had surgery, couldn't drive till 2pm the next day. Next day I offer to help a Christian brother out and ask if he needed anything. I find out that the next day that he thought I had ulterior motives in trying to come over.  He accused me of moving to fast. He said  I love you before I was ready and tried to correct it by saying I like you. I'm moving to fast?! I'm the one moving to fast?  I'm moving to fast! I'm in excruciating pain still waiting on my Dr appointment on Monday.  I can't tolerate being touched right now. This is bad news to him. He's very touchy. So am I. I love touching. It won't work between us...

September 27, 2017: I spoke with my cousin yesterday and she suggested/asked if I had thought about seeing a rheumatologist. I have thought about it, but have not put it into motion until yesterday. After Sunday's ordeal of being in excruciating pain just from simple touch I decided I needed to do something. I called and made an appointment with my Dr to get a referral. Unfortunately that Monday appointment is not soon enough for my body.  My body has had other things in mind. Like causing excruciating pain once again in my body. Throbbing, aching pain. I tried Advil and Meloxicam this time. No help.. doubted it would. Went to urgent care and was prescribed prednisone. The nurse said if she were me she'd take some benadryl and sleep the whole night away. Medicine took.. sleep....... on the way. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

September 24, 2017: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Thirty-two years young! Today as I was talking to my dear friend Frank and his co-worker, a question came up that has often times been brought up before by others. "WHY DON'T I GO ON DISABILITY IF I HAVE SO MUCH WRONG WITH ME?" I've been dealing with my health issues since high school. Early onset arthritis, asthma, allergies, food allergies, PTSD, Anxiety, Celiac Disease, Sleep apnea (most likely), Overactive bladder, MRSA, reoccurring uti/bladder infection, nutrient diffencies caused by the Celiac Disease, need for bifocals even though I'm "to young", and an astigmatism. My list is to long for a person my age. I know. However, I get up, put my pants on one leg at a time, go to work everyday, (working 3 jobs right now) and I do my job to the best of my ability, with my whole heart in it, hoping it'll distract me from my loneliness and from the constant pain I'm in from all my issues. People ask me why...

September 21, 2017: I've had so much on my mind and dealing with so much, I never seem to know if I'm coming or going. I loose track of what day it is, which uniform to put on. Dealing with the harassment, still seeing a certain guy at work. Both jobs I deal with a coworker that does a no-call-no-show. To be honest (it's not that I'm not always honest, because I try to be honest to the best of my knowledge) I don't understand why people do that. I  personally live paycheck to paycheck like most everyone else in this world. If I did a no-call-no-show just once... people would probably start calling my phone to make sure I'm ok. If I refused to answer my calls like these people often times do, I'd probably loose my job! If I don't loose my job, I'm still out the money I would have gotten from working, so I don't understand that. I finally got signed up for health insurance through Meijer, yay! However with everything going on at the mall that I...

September 14, 2017: Last night, I was sexually harassed by 2 people while at work. Today, I went to Meijer, and I was a nervous wreck. I was constantly on the lookout for any man that was approaching my area. I cried. We have a skin head, at the mall, who followed me through the mall 3 different times and stares at me while I'm working. He stares in such a way that you know He is, and he's undressing you in his mind. He does it to other women who works there as well. He's also racists towards any Spanish speaking people. That alone makes me angry. Then another guy who was completely drunk, tried kissing me! I could almost taste the alcohol on his breath. I could smell it. I asked him to stop then he tried to guilt trip me and asked why I was making excuses to not kiss him. I told him to go home because he was drunk. Leave me alone! I can't do my job when I'm looking over my shoulder constantly in fear of being harassed. I don't even wear makeup to either job. ...

September 12, 2017: I am seriously messed up. Permanently messed up and irreparable. I will stay alone forever. I can't trust anyone. I snap at people. I hate people. I don't want to be around anyone. I'd rather hide in my room, in bed, under my covers. People make me mad. I don't want to leave the house anymore. How do I move forward from the bad place in my life? I sometimes feel like If I can learn to trust one person after being shown that I couldn't trust that person, that I can learn to trust other people. However, I know that not everyone is the same. Not everyone goes around breaking trust. I have Frank who I know that I can always trust. He was there for me yesterday talking to me and giving me the level headed calm and reassuring, yet the smack in the face wisdom I knew I could count on and needed yesterday. I was already telling myself the exact same things he told me yet hearing it out loud and from someone else just solidified what I knew I needed to ...

September 7, 2017: Happy Birthday to the world's best and only brother tomorrow! 26 years old and these years have flown. Today however, has been different. I almost snapped on some customers at the mall yesterday. They seriously asked me for my equipment to clean their personal items. I'm not allowed to let anyone touch my cart or anything on my cart. Stores are not allowed to use my equipment, or customers for that matter. No, no and no! They asked well what am I supposed to clean it with? I could tell they was whiners who needed some cheese with it. I said you go to the bathroom and clean it first of all. Second of all I barely have enough equipment to clean your mess. Third of all these stores are not allowed to use my stuff let alone you. Next thing I know they stood there sputtering, but but uh but but.... well it's gonna leak all the way to the bathrooms. I said "That is my problem. Not yours.  I have to call for backup to clean this mess alone," all becau...

September 4, 2017: I know that I don't normally or ever blog twice in one day. However,  today is different. Today is... totally different.  I have recently come across a site for those who suffer PTSD where everyone can talk to each other and post in the forums about issues. My current thoughts: I hate people. Now, let me be more clear. Yes, I have a couple of friends who I talk to regularly.  I have a few other friends who I don't talk to as often. However, beyond those people,  I don't like everyone else.  I would rather stay far away from people. Today's lunch for example. I would have been way happier and secure feeling, eating alone. My love life (or lack thereof), I've had several guys ask me out on a date. I turned all of them down. I don't feel comfortable around anyone or on a date with anyone. My agoraphobia gets worse every day. I am always aware of my closest escape route. I have to be nice to people. Why should I be nice to anyone? They aren't...

September 4, 2017: Only 4 days until my baby brother's birthday. Hard to believe that 26 years ago he was born and his birth mother made the difficult decision to give him up. To his birth mom, thank you for your sacrifice. Your sacrifice was my family's gain. My baby brother is my thorn in the flesh some days, however if someone else messes with me... well, let's just say you picked the wrong sister to mess with. Yesterday and today was a bad day in general.  I had to work both days. My anxiety flared really bad and it took me awhile to calm down. There was people I wanted to talk to and couldn't because they was busy. This morning I got up and felt horrible. My allergies are bugging me and making me feel sluggish. I'm cold even though the temp is 74 and I have 2 blankets on me. I sorta lied to people at work that I was fine, when in truth, I wanted to puke, curl up in bed and sleep. I've come to another realization that I am way to busy right now to have a r...

September 1, 2017: Some days I just can't: * Be nice to customers. * Be nice to co-workers. * Be nice to family. * Be nice to friends. * Tolerate my arthritis pain. * Believe the secrets people tell me. * Stay away from gluten. * Stick to my diet. * Deal with the loss of my fuzz-ball, Skizix. * Tolerate my life. * Work 3 jobs till I get insurance at my new job. * Deal with the flashbacks. * Deal with the anxiety. * Deal with the stress. * Deal with the depression. * Get up and go about my day. * Deal with my health issues. * ADULT! I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm in pain. Everyone at my night shift job is irritable due to Hurricane Harvey, or as my mom so nicknamed him, Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald. The mall was dead all week. The one day a year a hurricane comes thru and EVERYONE and there brother comes to the mall. There is a guy that I know thru the mall and I wonder that he might have to many health issues to carry out a full time or even a ...

August 28, 2017: "Yeah, I get it you're an outcast Always under attack always coming in last Bringing up the past no one owes you anything I think you need a shotgun blast a kick in the ass So paranoid Watch your back! I created the sound of madness Wrote the book on pain Somehow I'm still here to explain That the darkest hour never comes in the night You can sleep with a gun When you gonna wake up and fight? For yourself" That last phrase about sleeping with a gun but when you going to wake up and fight for yourself. I'm fighting for myself and right now that feels like world war 3. I'm tired mentally and physically. I'm involved with 3 jobs and not sure how much longer I can hold out. I'm taking care of me. No one else. I'll fight my battle.  I'll survive. I'll persevere. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

August 25, 2017: I know that I have not wrote in a few days, and I send my apologies. I started my job at Meijer this week working full time. I work a couple days a week at the mall now. I'm still babysitting my cousins as well. They are still absolutely cute and wonderful as ever. I would not trade anything for them. They are my life right now. Monday I went down to Tennessee to see the eclipse at totality. It was amazing to be able to look at the sun without special glasses. To see the diamond ring.  I'm very grateful that I went to see the totality. I got to see some of my family as well before I went home. However, upon arriving home, I discovered my sweet Skizix had wondered off most likely to find a place to lay down to pass away. I'm completely heartbroken and lost without my fur buddy. I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off it. My amazing trip was just completely ruined by the loss of my fuzz-ball. How do you move forward from the loss of a pet that w...

August 20, 2017: I completely lost my cool today. One emotion was all it took. The feelings of neglect caused me to feel  undesirable, the urge to run far away, the urge to fight if I needed to. I was afraid to speak. Afraid to move. I felt numb to my surroundings. I barely remember everything that was happening or said. I shut down. People asked what was it I wanted. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. I felt all the emotions from my past. The fear. The anger. Neglect. Disappointment. Broken hearted. All I could see was my past. I felt like I was with "him" who hurt me. I saw him get up and walk away from me as I looked clueless and lost about what I did wrong. It was all my fault, and I just knew it was as a result of my actions. I did something wrong.  I didn't know what I did. I was so emotionally and physically tired. I don't know what to think. I'll try again tomorrow perhaps. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

August 18, 2017: Some days I feel like I'm unable to clearly express thoughts and feelings that are felt by those of us with PTSD. I have a few friends that could be described as always happy and very outgoing. However I'm not one of those people. Do I wish I could be one of those people, yes. Do I wish I wasn't constantly terrified that somebody was following me? Do I wish that I would not have to look over my shoulder and be afraid of the next person that will hurt me? Do I wish I could forget the hands that were wrapped around my throat? Do I live in fear of the ones that threatened my life and threatened to kill me? Yes. My triggers are different from everyone else's triggers. A simple fire truck, a Kentuckiana highway patrol car, the sight of my abusers, a certain section of town, a homeless person, are just some of my triggers. Certain objects, certain motions, certain sounds, people, places, smells are all triggers of happy memories.  However, they can also be tr...

August 17, 2017: Mid-day thoughts. Everyone has a story. You don't know their story. However, you can influence it. Today, I went to orientation for my new job. As I sat in orientation, we watched a very powerful, and slightly emotional video. It showed people of everyday life, coming into a store to shop. You don't know what is going on in that person's life right then. One person could be burying a loved family member. One person maybe a little old lonely lady. One person might be a new dad trying to figure out what kind of diapers to buy. Another person could be trying to work 2 jobs to go to college. Another person could be an empty nester expecting their kids to come home for a visit. I found this video to be very true. You don't know my story. Maybe I'm having a bad day. You come in, and you are mad because your product you bought was defective. You start yelling at me. After you leave, I might go to the back and start crying my head off. Did you make my day ...

August 15, 2017: Today I'm not really sure what to write about. Do I write about my opinion about Charlottesville? Do I bring up that I went to orientation today at Meijer? How about my sudden attack of allergies and the severe sore throat yesterday? Report of how my ankle is? My mental state? How about my work week and how it's going? I'm still stressed out some, but not as bad. My celiac disease has calmed down as a result of the stress. My ankle gets better every day. I sorta rolled it last week but it feels better. I'm fighting a sudden increase in my allergies and all the stuff draining from my head. As a result I had a very severe sore throat yesterday. Today, however, breathing has been over rated and non-essential. I feel a lot of congestion in my lungs, which causes quite a bit of coughing. This too, shall pass. I'm working 4 jobs this week. I'm working my regular Mall job plus my babysitting and one day for the animal rides job. However I am moving on...

August 12, 2017: When you are facing every single emotion possible, sometimes you loose all self control and breakdown. Yesterday, that happened. I could not maintain my composure. I broke down into tears multiple times. A former boyfriend of mine has made contact with me. This guy meant the world to me. He opened my eyes to new things. He tried to get me out to live my life. After our breakup I dated one other guy. After everything I went thru I started developing  a mild case of agoraphobia. It was not a crippling case of it. I would make excuses why I could not or would not hang out with friends or family. The excuses were not lies. I would be tired from work, or cleaning house or something. I was always terrified an ex-boyfriend would see me and harass me or worse, hurt me. I still am. Most days I'd rather stay home, make no plans, do nothing, stay away from people. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I've been cheated on, abused, raped, and touched by a teacher. I've ...

August 10, 2017: Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live? I don't need permission, make my own decisions That's my prerogative that's my prerogative  It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative) You can’t tell me what to do why can't I live my life without all of the things That people say Those are some of the lyrics to the song My Prerogative. I have had several people come to me asking me if I said this or that, if I did this or that. Accusing me of doing things. LEAVE ME ALONE! Leave my name out of your mouth. Do you hate your life so much that you have to drag my name thru the mud? I'm going to tell you right now that the people you told that lie to, is coming to me and asking for the truth. At that point you look like a moron and a liar. I'm going to do you a favor. SHUT UP BEFORE YOU SPREAD LIES! Save yourself the humiliation and embarrassment. If you think I like someone, ask me b...

August 8, 2017: I finally got the phone call and the news that I've been waiting for for several weeks now. I'm going back to a job that I had previously left. I'm kind of excited but at the same time I'm kind of nervous. My former boss is looking forward to me coming back. I am slightly nervous due to the fact that some of the things there has changed. However, I have changed as well. I would like to think that I have changed for the better. My health has changed in good and bad ways. I'm not as sick due to food allergies and I've missed less days at work. However I do have to take a few more breaks then what I did before. Before there were days that I could work straight through break and not need one. Hrowever now I need my breaks. Last night I got a text message from my dear friend Autumn. She too is going through some difficulties, and I love how we can lean on each other even in the times of our trials. We both are dealing with our own struggles right now...

August 5, 2017: Some days are next to impossible to fight through. I'm going on my 10th day now with this constant headache/migraine. Most days it's tolerable. Some days it's "leave me alone" throbbing, light and sound piercing, pain. Today's headache pain is accompanied by my usual arthritis and some minor ankle pain. However today has been exceptionally hard. General moodiness. The feeling of desire to snap some heads off just for looking at you or talking to you. The desire to be ALONE! Not go to work. Stay home and ice my ankle, do some essential oil massage to my ankle and knees. Some days it's impossible to smile. You can't see any good in your life. Someone came to me and asked if I went to mall management and ratted on him for something? I said no. Seriously, people have nothing better to do than to make up lies about me? Then a male coworker started cussing at me when I asked if he could help my brother and I out at the end of the night, tell...

August 2, 2017: Tonight I was at church talking to a friend about our physical therapy we are both enduring from injuries. Since tonight was being devoted to singing, I wanted to find a song about strength. At first I didn't really find one. However I came across the song "Count your blessings". It says count your blessings, name them one by one. I paused for a moment and had to think long and hard about that in my life. Yes, I have arthritis, celiac disease, ptsd, anxiety, allergies, and probably sleep apnea as well. However, I don't have cancer. I have my legs, arms, fingers, and toes. I  have a roof over my head. I have a bed at night. I am able to work despite my pain. I have a loving family. I have a few good friends I trust. I have the freedom of speech. The freedom to choose not to date instead of an arranged marriage. I may not be rich. I may not be the hottest woman on the planet. However, I'm alive. I may suffer from my past, but I am able to walk even...

August 1, 2017: First day back to work. Not going the greatest. I'll probably be on a restricted work schedule. I've only worked 2 hours and already hurting something fierce. Everyone has been happy to see me and asked where I've been. Well I was on medical leave because of my sprained ankle. It has definitely been worse than the first time I did it in high school. Severe bruising and swelling accompanied by pain. I'm already taking anti inflammatory medicine for my arthritis and the Dr's simply said to take Advil or Tylenol or something like that. Seriously?  I'm taking prescription anti inflammatory medicine and all I'm allowed to take is Advil for a sprained ankle? Give me some real pain meds! This girl is hurting. My work shift is over, and I have severe swelling again, not to surprised though. Ice and elevation now. I'm so exhausted though. Thanks for all thoughts and prayers, questions and concerns. I'll be fine. I promise. Night night world. ...

July 31, 2017: I've officially been single for just over 7 months now. It's been 7 months since I said I would stay single all year long. It's been 5 months and a few days since mom had triple bypass surgery. It's been 3 and a half months since I started my job at the mall. It's been 13 going on 14 years since I graduated. I've dealt with cheating, abusive, lying, and useless boyfriends all these years until 2017. This is the year of LINDA. This is the year I take care of myself first. I had some very beautiful pictures of myself taken earlier this year and I plan on having more taken. I had arthritis diagnosed this year. I am looking at a better job for my health, than my current one, however keeping the current one for awhile to keep my insurance. I have so many issues now that I can't afford to loose it. I need to get back to seeing a therapist for my anxiety and ptsd. This week alone I've had 3 anxiety attacks. I woke up from a nap yesterday in compl...

July 24, 2017: Whew what a day! Go to the Dr with a sprain. She thinks there could be a stress fracture.  Go to the orthopedic surgeon,  just a sprain. He orders for physical therapy. Go to setup that. Also ordered off work till next Monday. Gotta give the ankle time to rest considering that I am on my feet walking for a straight 8 hours or more. This will be a long long week! Not only that, but I'm being sent to be tested for sleep apnea. Maybe I'll be told I have it, be put on a machine, and actually feel rested and less irritable. Win win right there! I'm always so tired, yet I feel like I have insomnia half the time. Bring on the sleep! Maybe my mind and body can heal. Be less sick because my body his breathing properly at night. We shall see what happens.

July 22, 2017: I truly do not understand men these days. This is the big reason I am still single. Men want me to be a slut. Men want me to spread my legs. If I don't put out then I don't love them. If I don't "loan" them money, then I don't care about "US". I was seriously told that I should have sex and be a whore so I could find a man. I'm sorry, but if I can't stand to be around a guy because of his personality, why would I even dream of having sex with him! If a guy tells me to be whore, he obviously doesn't value me as a human. If he doesn't value me as a human, why would he ever care about me? If he doesn't care about me why would he protect me? I'm way better than another whore for your sexual desires that you can't control. I recently read an article that dressing modestly and not showing thighs, or low cut tops in public by women to prevent men from having impure thoughts  is not completely the woman's respo...