TRUST

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September 12, 2017: I am seriously messed up. Permanently messed up and irreparable. I will stay alone forever.
I can't trust anyone. I snap at people. I hate people. I don't want to be around anyone. I'd rather hide in my room, in bed, under my covers. People make me mad. I don't want to leave the house anymore.
How do I move forward from the bad place in my life? I sometimes feel like If I can learn to trust one person after being shown that I couldn't trust that person, that I can learn to trust other people. However, I know that not everyone is the same. Not everyone goes around breaking trust. I have Frank who I know that I can always trust. He was there for me yesterday talking to me and giving me the level headed calm and reassuring, yet the smack in the face wisdom I knew I could count on and needed yesterday. I was already telling myself the exact same things he told me yet hearing it out loud and from someone else just solidified what I knew I needed to do. It didn't calm me down much but it was the one voice of wisdom I needed to hear. I really wanted my momma's ear and voice but unfortunately she was working.
Speaking of my momma, if you are the praying type, please send up some prayers for her. I don't want to go into detail, but we need some prayers on her behalf. I don't know where my mind will end up if I lost her at her age right now. She's to young. My mind, I'm afraid would go into a deep dark place and not come out for months. I would be worse off than I was when I lost my sweet Skizix. I'm slowly adjusting to not having him anymore. I still miss him playing the game of jumping out to surprise me when I got home from wherever. However,  my momma is my momma. She gave me life. She's been there for me through the thick and thin. I have developed more appreciation for her this year alone. I realized how close I was to loosing her. I saw her laying in the bed hooked up to so many moniters, pumps, and drains. It was almost scary.
If I can't trust anyone now, how can I trust anyone when I'm at my weakest? Isn't that when the vultures always swoop in to prey on you?
I'm weak. I'm damaged. How do I move forward. I'm broken.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

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