Numb

-

September 4, 2017: I know that I don't normally or ever blog twice in one day. However,  today is different. Today is... totally different.  I have recently come across a site for those who suffer PTSD where everyone can talk to each other and post in the forums about issues. My current thoughts: I hate people.
Now, let me be more clear. Yes, I have a couple of friends who I talk to regularly.  I have a few other friends who I don't talk to as often. However, beyond those people,  I don't like everyone else.  I would rather stay far away from people. Today's lunch for example. I would have been way happier and secure feeling, eating alone. My love life (or lack thereof), I've had several guys ask me out on a date. I turned all of them down. I don't feel comfortable around anyone or on a date with anyone. My agoraphobia gets worse every day. I am always aware of my closest escape route. I have to be nice to people. Why should I be nice to anyone? They aren't nice to me. Just today I had a woman who asked where toothpaste was at and before I could respond, she smarted off "or do I have to go to the other side of the store?" Even the woman who was with her said that was rude.
I'm just sick of men who are told no I don't want to kiss, no I don't want to hold hands, and forcing themselves upon me. Did you hear me? Are you daft? Are you slow learning? Or are you just plain rude and only care about yourself? I was told today that basically I have to much going on in my life. Maybe I do. Maybe I did that because I have to many life horror films playing in my mind everyday that I need a distraction from them. I need a relief from my past. Yet, I don't trust people enough to be around them and to open up. People stab you in the back. They say I love you,  but really they don't care about you at all. If they did, they wouldn't cheat on you, they wouldn't physically harm you.
I try to be nicer to people at work, and I try to greet everyone I pass, but when they ignore you, give you dirty looks of disgust, or are just straight up rude, it makes it that much harder to be nice to the next person.
Why am I still single? Well let's look at my past and the way people treat me.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stressed beyond belief

-
January 12th: First of all, Happy New Year. I'm stressed beyond belief. I don't know what to do. I've had a migraine headache for over a week. Went to the Dr yesterday and the shot in my butt didn't help. My brother-in-law's health I feel like it continues to decline every week or at least something new pops up every week. If it's not his health it's something else that we have to deal with. I know this is life, but I can't keep on doing this at this rate. I need help. We need help. If it's not my brother-in-law, then it's something to do with the farm. If it's not that, it's something to do with us personally.  Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile but I haven't known what to even say for a long time now. It's like my creativity spark has just disappeared from me. I need prayers, positive vibes, and positive thoughts coming our way.  I just recently lost my Great Aunt, and growing up I always knew she'd die one day too, but j...
Read more

Family is Tough Sometimes

-
To my reader's, I thought I should come here and blog about recent events.  My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 4 non-alcoholic liver disease aka NASH. I do feel like I know nothing about this horrible disease. However, I probably know more than you , my reader, just because I am learning about it as I go. He sleeps a lot due to the ammonia levels in his system.  He's extremely jaundice, which for anyone who doesn't know, he looks yellow, including the whites of his eyes.  Today seems to be a good day. He seems very alert and less confused than other times. Some days he is not alert, and can barely function.  We've called in hospice and he is currently under their care. I never thought I'd be 38 years of age and dealing with hospice for a brother! It's overwhelming to say the least. So much to do, learn and ask. We've received some great things from them to help him around the house to be independent. He is a guy that desires to be independent so...
Read more

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

-
December 30, 2017: On December 29, at 9:30 am, I started going to counseling and I saw a Dr. I'm being diagnosed with Bi-polar II. My moods have been very unstable recently. I'm being put on different medicine than I was before. I am waiting now for the pharmacy to locate and obtain gluten free medicine for me. I started group counseling today.  It's interesting to say the least. There are people in there that I can relate with very easily.  I hope this makes me not feel alone. I know I'm not, yet I feel like I am. I have my parents, and my 2 friends. Group counseling was tough cause my anxiety reared its ugly head a bit. It wasn't severe, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Men and women both. I sat between women to try to feel more comfortable. I wanted to run away and hide. Once I got home it calmed down. I want to get my agoraphobia under control when it comes to unfamiliar territory. I made a decision today to do the $1 a week savings plan as my New Yea...
Read more