Flashbacks II

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December 5, 2017: Yesterday morning as I was talking to my friend, he inadvertently triggered a flashback and my anxiety flared up. I wanted to shut my phone off and not talk to him right then and there. I couldn't fight off the memories, the pain, the touch. I got in the shower, tried and tried to force myself to feel the heat, and the texture of the water on my skin. I felt like I was drowning in my misery and my thoughts. I felt like I was back at the exact moment in time it happened. My chest was tightened and killing me from the pain. I was afraid. Trembling uncontrollably. I knew it wasn't his fault. We had never discussed the topic. I don't like saying it. I can't say what happened. I want to hide it from myself. Pretend it never happened. Right now, thinking about it is causing panic and fear. Trying to blog about the feeling and emotions I went through is torture. You never truly know fear, until some buried memory and scar, is scraped up and poked and prodded at. A memory that was bloody, and painful. A memory that started the snowball in your life of not trusting anyone. After my shower I went to my room, curled up in bed and as my friend Autumn said once, I cocooned myself in my blankets and pillows. I put my phone down. Arms under the blankets. I sat there, feeling the weight of my blankets on me, feeling absolutely safe. No one was texting me right then. No one was making demands right then of me. There was no one! It was just me. I was safe. I was in my safe place. No one could harm me there. I could finally breathe. I focused on my here and now's. Finally the pain started to ease. My breathing calmed down. I knew I was coming out of it. I had to start focusing on a different topic. I grabbed my phone while I was in a good place. I started playing a game I have on my cell. I some how pulled myself out of that. My friend knew that the subject never needed to be brought up again unless I choose to do so. I think he figured out really fast that I was sorta shutting down, and shutting everything out. He knew I needed a little time to calm back down.  I know he feels bad. I feel bad as well. My past turned a pleasant conversation into a horrific flashback. Triggered my fight or flight. Triggered my fear despite the fact that I had nothing to fear. It was not my fault. It was not his fault. It was the monster who did this to me.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

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