I'm alive and fighting!

-

November 1, 2017: I am ok. I am alive. I am breathing. I will survive. I'm a survivor.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Meaning, I have survived traumatic events. Everyday things that you may not think 2 seconds about, are things that trigger me. If I see a fire truck, I can feel hands gripped around my throat choking me and cutting the blood flow to my brain. I deal with triggers everyday.  I try to hide them from everyone when it's happening.
However, last night as I blogged, I expressed feelings of what I deal with everyday. Some days are worse than others. Yes, I expressed very sad, depressive thoughts. Just because I have depressing thoughts, does not mean I will kill myself. You can not know what it is like seeing an abusive person's face everyday because it is burned into your memory.
I promise. I am fine. I have family here. I have my friend Frank and Autumn whom I can and will reach out to first. They both keep me in check. They will kick my butt, talk, or whatever it takes to keep me in-line. I promise, I'm not suicidal as some of you may think. My blog is simply here to try to bring awareness of what PTSD is like. "IT AIN'T PERTIFUL!" It's not a basket of roses. Living day to day trapped in a never ending nightmare. There is no escape. Only time can help ease the pain.
I promise I am alive, and I have people in place when I need them most.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stressed beyond belief

-
January 12th: First of all, Happy New Year. I'm stressed beyond belief. I don't know what to do. I've had a migraine headache for over a week. Went to the Dr yesterday and the shot in my butt didn't help. My brother-in-law's health I feel like it continues to decline every week or at least something new pops up every week. If it's not his health it's something else that we have to deal with. I know this is life, but I can't keep on doing this at this rate. I need help. We need help. If it's not my brother-in-law, then it's something to do with the farm. If it's not that, it's something to do with us personally.  Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile but I haven't known what to even say for a long time now. It's like my creativity spark has just disappeared from me. I need prayers, positive vibes, and positive thoughts coming our way.  I just recently lost my Great Aunt, and growing up I always knew she'd die one day too, but j...
Read more

Family is Tough Sometimes

-
To my reader's, I thought I should come here and blog about recent events.  My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 4 non-alcoholic liver disease aka NASH. I do feel like I know nothing about this horrible disease. However, I probably know more than you , my reader, just because I am learning about it as I go. He sleeps a lot due to the ammonia levels in his system.  He's extremely jaundice, which for anyone who doesn't know, he looks yellow, including the whites of his eyes.  Today seems to be a good day. He seems very alert and less confused than other times. Some days he is not alert, and can barely function.  We've called in hospice and he is currently under their care. I never thought I'd be 38 years of age and dealing with hospice for a brother! It's overwhelming to say the least. So much to do, learn and ask. We've received some great things from them to help him around the house to be independent. He is a guy that desires to be independent so...
Read more

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

-
December 30, 2017: On December 29, at 9:30 am, I started going to counseling and I saw a Dr. I'm being diagnosed with Bi-polar II. My moods have been very unstable recently. I'm being put on different medicine than I was before. I am waiting now for the pharmacy to locate and obtain gluten free medicine for me. I started group counseling today.  It's interesting to say the least. There are people in there that I can relate with very easily.  I hope this makes me not feel alone. I know I'm not, yet I feel like I am. I have my parents, and my 2 friends. Group counseling was tough cause my anxiety reared its ugly head a bit. It wasn't severe, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Men and women both. I sat between women to try to feel more comfortable. I wanted to run away and hide. Once I got home it calmed down. I want to get my agoraphobia under control when it comes to unfamiliar territory. I made a decision today to do the $1 a week savings plan as my New Yea...
Read more