Whirlwind of Emotions

August 12, 2017: When you are facing every single emotion possible, sometimes you loose all self control and breakdown. Yesterday, that happened. I could not maintain my composure. I broke down into tears multiple times. A former boyfriend of mine has made contact with me. This guy meant the world to me. He opened my eyes to new things. He tried to get me out to live my life. After our breakup I dated one other guy. After everything I went thru I started developing  a mild case of agoraphobia. It was not a crippling case of it. I would make excuses why I could not or would not hang out with friends or family. The excuses were not lies. I would be tired from work, or cleaning house or something. I was always terrified an ex-boyfriend would see me and harass me or worse, hurt me. I still am. Most days I'd rather stay home, make no plans, do nothing, stay away from people. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I've been cheated on, abused, raped, and touched by a teacher. I've lost my faith in humanity. Part of my reason for not wanting to date anyone was because no one could treat me as well as the ex-boyfriend who recently contacted me could. No one could measure up to his standards. No one was worthy of my time. However, many people wished that I would not even entertain the thought of talking to him. No one knows what horrors I've been through. No one sees the flashbacks everyday that I live through. I want to trust him ever so badly, because the truth of the matter is he's the only one I truly loved. The other guys, did not deserve me or my time. If they came crawling to me, I'd tell them to get lost, and I have had to a time or two. This one, however, is different. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy, wanted and desired, smart and amazing and most of all loved. Is that not what love is? Two different people who love and care about each other coming together.
Yes, this guy has hurt me emotionally and wants to help me out of this dark deep hole I've fallen into. He knows to be patient with me. I have to work at my emotions and trust. I've landed in the emotional pit. Can I allow him to pull me out? He cut me deep this time. How do I as a Christian, forgive the one person I want the most? Easy, you say I forgive you. Explain that you need patience, and help, his help. You need time. He needs to prove he wants me and that he deserves me this time around. I need his hugs, his time, his patience and his love.
I cried so much yesterday because I'm scared, nervous, afraid, madly in love, and hopeful.
BLEEDING LOVE Leona Lewis
Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass, before you know it you're frozen
But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding
Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that their goal is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater than the risk
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness, I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy Maybe, maybe
And it's draining all of me
Though they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR