Battles

July 16, 2017: I have not been able to blog recently and I apologize to my audience. I've been stressed out from many things. I've had writer's block.
Thursday morning something happened to my left ankle and I still do not know what happened. Frank thought I rolled it, broke it, or injured it somehow. Some days it looks like I was bitten, but there are no bite marks. Yet the Dr I saw thought it was my arthritis. Three possibilities for one problem. It has caused severe pain and giving me a difficult time walking at my job. I am taking a low dose of prednisone for the inflammation and wearing a brace for support.
My job is seriously testing my patience right now. Drama, drama, drama! People don't want to work. Mall walkers that want to create problems. People that don't understand that I have a job to do a certain way. Customers that are rude and inconsiderate to me that walk all over me and into me. The scrubber broke down and had to be pushed back to the office from almost to the front of the mall. That day felt like it was 2 weeks ago. We are mopping the entire mall by hand. Don't forget that my ankle is very swollen and painful while I am mopping the entire mall.
Then there's my own past and mental health issues. When certain painful memories flood your mind, drown out all hopes of happiness, it makes for a very miserable day. All you can think about is the past. All you can see is the past. You are in a fog. You can't move forward. Your chest tightens up and feels squeezed. Your heart is about to take a hammer to your ribs and beat it's way out. You are shaking from fear. You see your demons of the past in everyday Joe's who look nothing like the person. My anxiety has set me off kilter several times over this weekend. I'm drowning. I'm crying out for help, yet no one sees or hear me.
Right now,  just talking about the problems I've been dealing with has me on edge. My stomach is knotted and angry.  I'm cold, and trembling despite the blankets and heat on me. I've cried. Ive talked to my boss. I've talked to my brother. I've talked to friends. I've prayed. I've searched my heart. I've reminded myself to be patient. I've reminded myself this to shall pass. I've prayed some more. I feel completely disconnected from everyone. I feel completely alone. Minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and days have gone by and yet I couldn't blog because my brain is so fogged up. I feel like I have missed showing up to babysit my cousins at least 2 times now because this weekend has dragged by. I feel like I have missed showing up to work because I am so tired. I missed church because I slept till 1:30 pm today. Then I went back to the mall on my day off to mop again. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that my boss knows I'm reliable and willing to work and allows me to work. However, mopping the entire mall will flatten a person fast! My only hope is that ALL management appreciates and is understanding and patient while we are mopping the entire mall. Yes, we may joke about how the scrubber broke, but doing the scrubbers job is no joke.
If you are a praying person, I humbly ask for prayers of strength and patience during this time. If you are not, just your kind words or listening ear and shoulder to cry on is enough even. A soft calm voice telling me words of encouragement is soothing alone. A bear hug feels great.
Well, now that you read my gripes about my life, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled life. Take care. I may not get to say this often. I love everyone of you! Keep fighting your battles. I'm fighting them next to you.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR