LOST

-

June 7, 2017: Right now I don't really know what to write. I'm still hurting so badly by the betrayal. I don't know what is going on with my brother and why he's acting this way. I'm worried and a little scared. Everyone at work is asking about him. He won't talk to anyone.  My emotions have gone on a train ride and the train was derailed! He hurt my 2 good friends from work. I'm so thankful for both of them right now and my boss.  When I'm with them, it's a judgmental free zone and the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" rule applies. We talk about everything. If I cry when I'm with them, they understand. Right now, I'd be way worse off if I didn't have my other 2 amigos at my side. We truly are the 3 amigos. Right now as I write, I cry, cause I'm hurting because of the confusion about my brother. I want my brother back. I don't know who this person is he has become. I love my brother! I love that baby boy we brought home on Dec 16, 1991. I remember going to the foster home and meeting him the first time.  He's always been so silly and happy. I remember his first birthday Sept 8 1992. I've been praying about this. I know some of my reader's may not believe in a God, however I do. Praying gives me comfort somehow. I try to find the words of what I'm feeling and thinking and I come up empty handed. I'm worried yet scared.  I love working with my brother and I don't want him to loose his job. Yet if he keeps his current behaviour up, he will. I work so well normally with him and yet I'm scared I'm going to loose that joy and happiness of working with him. I just want him to do his job the way he's supposed to do it. This stress I'm feeling is tearing me apart. Everyone asks about him and I have no answers. Only speculation. One lady thought that she had offended him somehow. She said normally he greets her saying something like, "Hey beautiful!" If you know my brother, that's the way he is. Always friendly. Everyone spoke so highly of him when I started working. Sometimes, my brother could humiliate me and make me ashamed of myself. He was always so happy and out going and ready to work or go somewhere or help someone. I don't know anymore. I almost feel lost not talking to my brother daily as we did before. Like I lost my best friend. One of my amigos said go talk to him. I think I'll try in the morning.  I'll put my big girl panties on and make that first step. I hope I can mend this fence.

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stressed beyond belief

-
January 12th: First of all, Happy New Year. I'm stressed beyond belief. I don't know what to do. I've had a migraine headache for over a week. Went to the Dr yesterday and the shot in my butt didn't help. My brother-in-law's health I feel like it continues to decline every week or at least something new pops up every week. If it's not his health it's something else that we have to deal with. I know this is life, but I can't keep on doing this at this rate. I need help. We need help. If it's not my brother-in-law, then it's something to do with the farm. If it's not that, it's something to do with us personally.  Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile but I haven't known what to even say for a long time now. It's like my creativity spark has just disappeared from me. I need prayers, positive vibes, and positive thoughts coming our way.  I just recently lost my Great Aunt, and growing up I always knew she'd die one day too, but j...
Read more

Family is Tough Sometimes

-
To my reader's, I thought I should come here and blog about recent events.  My brother-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 4 non-alcoholic liver disease aka NASH. I do feel like I know nothing about this horrible disease. However, I probably know more than you , my reader, just because I am learning about it as I go. He sleeps a lot due to the ammonia levels in his system.  He's extremely jaundice, which for anyone who doesn't know, he looks yellow, including the whites of his eyes.  Today seems to be a good day. He seems very alert and less confused than other times. Some days he is not alert, and can barely function.  We've called in hospice and he is currently under their care. I never thought I'd be 38 years of age and dealing with hospice for a brother! It's overwhelming to say the least. So much to do, learn and ask. We've received some great things from them to help him around the house to be independent. He is a guy that desires to be independent so...
Read more

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

-
December 30, 2017: On December 29, at 9:30 am, I started going to counseling and I saw a Dr. I'm being diagnosed with Bi-polar II. My moods have been very unstable recently. I'm being put on different medicine than I was before. I am waiting now for the pharmacy to locate and obtain gluten free medicine for me. I started group counseling today.  It's interesting to say the least. There are people in there that I can relate with very easily.  I hope this makes me not feel alone. I know I'm not, yet I feel like I am. I have my parents, and my 2 friends. Group counseling was tough cause my anxiety reared its ugly head a bit. It wasn't severe, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Men and women both. I sat between women to try to feel more comfortable. I wanted to run away and hide. Once I got home it calmed down. I want to get my agoraphobia under control when it comes to unfamiliar territory. I made a decision today to do the $1 a week savings plan as my New Yea...
Read more