Hurt

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June 6, 2017: When a loved family member lies and stabs you in the back, it feels like the deepest betrayal ever. Exactly that happened.  I didn't feel like eating, I dragged all day, I didn't want to talk about it, i wanted to hide, me and my friends were all hurt. I think my girl friends know how deeply it hurt me because of the relationship. One of them felt sorry for me and told me sorry for this person's actions, even though it was not her fault. 
That got me thinking. She's not actually apologizing for the actions,  just feeling sorry for me cause I'm going through such a deep betrayal.
It also got me thinking, why do we hurt the ones we love? We let our guard's down around the loved ones, we can be our true self. It's our comfort zone.
One of my gf's told me to eat something cause I had not eaten real food today. I followed the advice even though it made me regret eating that much. I'm upset, and hurt and betrayed. My stomach is knotted up. I'm so frustrated that I spoke to my boss saying I was thinking about searching for a new job. Just talking about the problems at work, started to trigger my anxiety but I caught it myself and luckily I could stop myself. Grabbed my fidget cube out and focusing on it. Focusing on the texture, and the different things on each side. Spinning, clicking, flipping, rolling....  before I knew it I was calmed back down, less jittery and anxious feeling, less worried.  I focused on his words, his understanding of what I was feeling even though he or even myself may not understand why I was feeling it. I know I have 3 girls I can count on at work to have my back and to lend a shoulder and listening ear if I need it. I appreciate the support from these ladies. I know I wouldn't have a job right now if it wasn't for their friendship and support.
I'm trying my hardest to do my job at work correctly. I'm trying hard to not be bossy. I'm trying hard to not be rude. I'm trying to just focus on myself and my job. No one else. I stopped for a second cause something caught my immediate attention and I questioned and asked if the person was ok, and I got snapped at. No more sweet Linda, no more caring and showing concern from Linda. I'm sick of being snapped at. I'll shut up....

This is my blog. This is my voice.
HEAR ME ROAR

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