My Daily Struggle

December 28 , 2018: I don't know what to say.  Three weeks ago tonight as I was leaving work to go home I hit my head on a cabinet like lid that folds up and down. I was holding it up with my hand, when my hand slipped and it fell on my head, hitting me behind the right ear. I'm still dealing with a headache, nausea, some blurred vision and thinking. It's getting better but the headaches are still messing with me badly. I was unable to attend my family Christmas lunch due to the headache and not feeling well. I knew it would be loud and only make me feel even worse than I already felt. I felt bad not going, but what do you do when you feel that bad? I did receive some really awesome gifts for Christmas this year including one that I am going to use on here. It's a journaling book called "52 Lists of Happiness". Each week I plan on completing my own list and blogging it on here. Feel free to do each list on your own and share them with me. Maybe I didn't th...

October 30, 2018: I know there are many people out there struggling with day to day life. Whether it be bills, depression, loosing everything that you have worked hard for, PTSD, anxiety, moving, other health issues, or loosing a loved one and watching them die. Some of you may be thinking that everyone will be better off without you there. I assure you that is not true. Think about your family and friends feelings of you are laid out in a casket. You'd have people mourning and crying over you. She/he went to soon. I didn't know they were so depressed.  I wished I could have been there for them to help. Reach out to your family and friends.  This too shall pass. Reach out to me. I'll talk or listen to you. I'm not a professional, but I have a heart.

October 1, 2018: Sitting in a quadpod stand with my friend waiting for a deer to pop it's cute head out so I can shoot at it. Yes, I'm deer hunting. I'm enjoying it.  I'm using my crossbow to hunt with as it is bow season right now. I'm having a blast! I have always wanted to deer hunt just never had anyone to take me and show me the ropes. Now I do. Camping and deer hunting. What more can a girl want?

September 14, 2018: My birthday is in 10 days. I'm in excruciating pain right now. Hurricane Florence has made landfall. I'm not sure how much more pain and exhaustion I can handle.  I want to fall asleep standing up. I want to cry. I have one more full 11 hour day before I get 2 days off. Yay me! I'm going to sleep well those 2 days. I went looking at dresses for my friend's wedding. I'll be taking pictures for her. I'm so happy for her and her groom to be. My only wish is that I can find someone who makes me as happy as they are.

September 6, 2018: It's been a month since I've wrote almost. I'm doing pretty good. I've had severe writer's block. I was sick most of last week, the weekend and I'm finally on the mend. Saw my therapist the other day.  Spoke about my anxiety while I am driving. I'm afraid to run into one of my exes at whatever location I'm going to or being followed home. I have to remind myself I'm safe in my car, I'm safe wherever I am going, and safe at home. One thing that was suggested was to roll my window down so I don't feel suffocated in my own car. I've tried it and it helps.

August 8, 2018: Many of you know that I have fibromyalgia.  Not everyone knows that I take a nerve pain medication for it. I recently ran out of my medicine. I was on 1200mg of this medicine. This medicine is not in the same class of drugs as narcotics but it's still similar in that it causes addiction and people are misusing the drug and it is a pain medication. My body became addicted to this drug and it was suddenly taken away from me. Just as any human I  started having withdrawal symptoms. Raised pulse, shakes, sweats, and headaches. Not to mention the pain from my fibro and all the other symptoms of it.  Before you ask, yes, I'm doing better now. I found something to help combat the symptoms. It got me through the tough times. I'm still dealing with some pain, but things are settling down for me. This is my blog. This is my voice.  HEAR ME ROAR

July 13, 2018: I feel so violated. Tonight I was violated at work once again. I had a man come up to me tell me how beautiful I was I was flattered yes, and I told him thank you. After some conversation he then leaned in and tried to kiss me I told him no and he asked why. There's a number of reasons why mister. I'm at work, we're not dating, I don't know you, and you're a creep. He tried to kiss me two or three more times and every time I said no. I feel so violated and disgusting. All I want to do is go home and cry and take a shower and wash away his hands and his kiss. I want to wash away the sight of him. I warned this guy he was on camera even. Security even came over to intervene and to kick the guy out. My anxiety is in high gear. I don't want to go back to work. I'm afraid. I was humiliated in front of my customers. I couldn't think straight. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

June 2, 2018: Daily Rant: The year is half over. Can't believe it. Just the other day I'm taking care of customers and a kind of gross burly looking guy walks up and rudely interrupts me and asks if I have headphones he could borrow for a little bit. Eh, can you say eeeewwwwwww! I looked at him with a stunned and grossed out look and said no, but if I did, I wouldn't let you borrow them either.  I just had my daith piercing done. Technically it is still in the healing stage. I don't want your ear germs and boogers infecting my headphones and my daith piercing or my ears. I shivered at the thought of him using my headphones. Gross, gross, gross! I'm still appalled that he asked. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

June 24, 2018: I feel like something is wrong with me. I had my abilify injection a week ago tomorrow morning. However I feel like my depression has gone from bad to worse this week. I've been moody, crying, irritable, cranky and almost distant feeling. I don't care. I feel numb. I've run people out of my life. Maybe it's for the better that they aren't in my life anymore. I don't know what to do or think. I'm working constantly. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping, or driving to and from work. My fibromyalgia is flared up. I need to see the rheumatologist about these severe pain days I've been having. I need to see my obgyn as well. I have not been eating like I used to. I'm constantly tired. Is it my gabapentin I'm on or is it my fibro symptoms as well. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

June 22, 2018: I just want to cry right now. I hurt mentally and physically. I feel emotionally numb. I'm fighting back tears right this minute. I hope that no one sees through my fake smile. My fibro is draining me fast. I'm irritable and almost depressed feeling. I want everyone to notice and have sympathy on me, yet I don't want anyone to notice how bad I am or that I feel like this. Every noise and sound is making me hurt. I just want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. I touch myself and it hurts. Every joint in my body is killing me. My body feels so tight and almost stressed like. I don't how much more I can take of it today. I know its partially because of the rain, but still... I CAN'T DO THIS!      I've tried giving a guy a chance but everytime a certain subject comes up he gets mad at me. Then all he wants to do is cuddle and kiss me and announce his love to me. I'm sorry... but you don't "LOVE" me. You are infatuated with me...

June 18, 2018: Happy Belated Father's Day to all the dad's out there. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm doing great. I'm continuing to take my abilify injection. I went on a vacation trip with my cousins to see more of my cousins. I had an amazing time. I'm continually working with my jobs. I barely see my family. However my family does see major improvements in my moods.  I definitely feel different than before. I was due for my injection while I was on my vacation, however I couldn't get it until after my vacation. I started feeling a little depressed while on vacation and even now as I type this. I got my injection this morning, but I'm sure it will take a day or so to fully get into my system again. I remember what it was like to feel severely depressed and it bites. I know it does. There is help out there. You have to want the help. You have to seek it. I know sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom in order to see that you need help. I know I d...

June 5, 2018: I'm doing pretty good right now. I went back to the podiatrist for my two-week follow-up. He had good and bad news. I have to wear my boot for two to three more weeks and then I can start weaning out of it. Unfortunately it means that I have to go on my vacation in my boot. Good news is that it's healing. I think that I'm officially getting my first round of sinus goop. I'm miserable. Drainage, stuffed nose, whole nine yards. I've always done allergies up well. Someone I know says that I should have a man in my life. The thing is I don't want one. They have been nothing but trouble in my life. Maybe I could try again. I don't know. It makes me nervous jumpy and scared out of my mind to think about it. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

May 20, 2018: I was seen Thursday at the podiatrist for my foot. I found out I have a stress fracture in my 2nd metatarsal of my right foot. I'm in a walking boot. I go back after 2 weeks to get it re-examined. It was almost humorous watching the Dr looking at my xrays trying to find the fracture.      I'm so sick of trying to date. The only thing they see is a pretty face. I'm more than that. I'm slightly depressed right now because of dating and the way I am treated. Men don't know how to treat a woman these days. Everyone has a kid and a baby momma. I am picky, and I don't want a guy that has a kid or that has been divorced. I want a guy that attends a Church of Christ like myself, or one that is willing to go to church with me. I didn't think it was to much to ask for, but I was wrong. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm annoying and unliked.

May 12, 2018: I lay here wide awake and yet so exhausted. Last night I had another night terror that has bothered me all day and now it is still bothering me. I've been shaking and trembling through out the day. It seriously has me messed up! Now it's 1 AM and the insomnia is in full gear. I can't close my eyes. I see the faceless monster chasing me again. Chasing me and catching up with me to suffocate me to death. I took my melatonin to help me sleep in hope that it will work for me tonight.      For now I think it might work and I'm going to hope it does. Catch you in a second.      ....It worked! I fell asleep shortly after I put my phone down from blogging. I slept very soundly and no night terrors. That is the one thing I was afraid would happen again. Right now I'm at work sitting here taking it easy on my foot . I've gotten several compliments on my dress and my metal flower tiara, and it has uplifted my spirits some as well. Compliments...

May 10, 2018: Yesterday was another therapy day for me. I went to see my therapist and had a break through. I opened up about something that I've only told 2 other people. I will not blog about it or the details. She said it is a subject that needs to be discussed more next time. So we shall do so in 2 weeks time.      I went to urgent care yesterday as well for my foot. My friend thinks it is a stress fracture.  The dr didn't rule it out.  Stress fractures don't show up on an xray. The dr put me on an anti-iinflammatoryin Hope's that it will help. If it doesn't get better then off to a foot dr or an orthopedic surgeon it is.      I still don't know what to get my dear sweet favorite and only momma for mother's day. Sorry momma!      I need a few prayers for one of my bosses. I won't go into detail again. The issue at hand is putting a little stress on me and a coworker and him. Prayers lifted up to heaven on ...

May 7, 2018: I was told I need to blog to get my feelings and emotions off my chest. Here it goes: What is the deal with women and their clothing choices? In the past few weeks I've seen multiple over weight women who just let their stomach hang out from their pants and shirt. I'm not talking about belly shirts. I'm talking about their pants not pulled up and their shirts pulled down. I've also seen women wearing other very questionable clothes showing their bra and panties, not wearing pants with their shirt, not wearing a shirt. I once heard, if you want to be treated like a queen, dress like one. If you like being treated like trash, beaten abused and used, then by all means, dress trashy and show off your assets.      While I'm on my soapbox, I want to bring up lying. I get sick of being lied to. I get told all the time at my new job, "Oh I forgot my money, let me go get it, I'll come right back." Then they never come back.  Just tell me the truth...

April 24, 2018: I've had so much stress on my plate recently, yet all I can do is give it up to God. I've had some prayers answered for me, and I'm ever so grateful for that. I lost my health insurance. I went to my Dr for my mental health and explained that I had no insurance and that I was due for my abilify injection. They had a sample of it. They also increased my dosage due to the thinking that it was running out a week before I was due for it.      I came across an article about the daith piercing and it helping to reduce fibromyalgia pain along with migraines. I finally decided to take a chance and try it out.  I got the daith piercing in my right ear  yesterday. I plan on eventually getting it in my left ear as well. It didn't hurt, but the crunching sound was not pleasant. I discovered that it goes through 2 cartlidges in that particular spot. The girl who pierced my ear answered questions that I had.      I haven't been to ba...

April 7, 2018: Greetings to all my readers around the world.      Special shout out to my best friend Autumn on her recent engagement.      However I can't lie, I'm not really jealous. I was jealous at first. Not so much now. I'm super happy for them. I'm glad that they have found each other. I just keep praying and searching for my man or an answer to my question; Am I supposed to remain single? Waiting for an answer or for anything is not my strong suit. While growing up I was told you graduate,  you find a man, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. THE END.      Unfortunately I feel like there's no beginning for me. Yes, I graduated and did two years of college. My story typically goes something like meet guy, guy lies, says he'll go to church every Sunday and Wednesday night and doesn't, chokes me, cheats, throws stuff at me, hits me, lies about previous relationships or current relationships, and is...

April 4, 2018: My sincerest apologies for not having wrote recently. I've been through a lot recently and wasn't sure of what to write or to tell you. I had my LEEP done to remove the abnormal cervical cells. I've bled and shed from it like nothing else. I'm still healing. I got a new cell phone this year and couldn't access my pay stub information and now I have no insurance and trying to get new insurance. I wasn't able to go to my OBGYN for my follow up. I haven't been able to go to the gym to go swimming or to work out. It has depressed me. The rain and snow has wrecked havoc on my body and my fibromyalgia. I'm still seeing a therapist and I plan on going back to group therapy on Friday morning.      They say in Disney that "A dream is a wish your heart makes." Disney obviously never had PTSD dreams. All of my dreams are nightmares. With PTSD, the dreams can be nothing more than the feelings and emotions of the traumatic event you experien...

March 18, 2018: Thursday morning I went back to see my obgyn. I thought I was going in for another biopsy. I wasn't. I was going in for a LEEP. LEEP stands for Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. Let me tell you, it smelled all burnt when they was doing it. Not pleasant. I'm doing better and returned to work yesterday. I felt very swollen the day after but the pain had subsided dramatically since the day of the procedure. I slept quite a bit since the procedure. I feel like  this has had a play on my depression a good deal. Being told that you have CIN 2/Moderate Cervical Intraepithial Neoplasia is tough. It's also called cervical dysplasia. However, due to recent events at work, I was working continuously and it took a toll on my body and my fibromyalgia. I had reached a point of constant pain in my body. I was getting irritable and moody. I  still am to some extent. I'm drained and tired. All I wanted to do is to sleep. That's what I did too. Now that the we...

March 9, 2018: I have less than a week before my upcoming procedure to be done. Next Wednesday for those that are also concerned and praying on my behalf. Dr said I'd want to be off work for 2-3 days after the procedure is done. AAAHHH! That long just to heal up and to stop bleeding and not be in pain? I know it's not surgery, but all I get for pain is "take some Ibuprofen" advice. I am getting a decent sized chunk of my cervix surgically removed with a machine! Yes, I'm seriously starting to freak out now. Sunday night a cousin of a coworker started harassing me standing there staring at my backside while I was trying to work. My coworker had noticed that he would try to stare at me and sneak glances at me. Then Friday night he started following me through the mall trying to talk to me. They are looking at getting him banned. He doesn't come to the mall to buy stuff. He's only there to see me and his fiance/gf/ex whatever she is at the moment. NOT to men...

March 4, 2018: I went to my OBGYN FOR my results and they weren't good.  I have to go back for another Colposcopy/cone biopsy. I'm not sure why or what they are looking for exactly, but I'm not looking forward to this. My prescription for my gabapentin got messed up and then the pharmacy ran out of my gluten free pills and once they got my new prescription in they could order my gluten free pills in. I went a week and a half on very few pills, during the rain and cold weather. Now my body has to readjust to being on 1200mg all over again instead of 900mg or less. Friday night I had to work from 1 to midnight because a coworker didn't show up. We are already short staffed because of the usual drama here. I'm having to work more hours and days a week because of it. Then today some guy that I find uglier than snot starts staring at me while I'm doing my job. I am aware of who he is and politely asked him to leave me alone please. He then reported that I yelled at...

February 25, 2018: I don't know what to do or say right now.  I'm cranky, irritable, not feeling myself. I have so many things on my mind. I'm depressed feeling. Blah. I feel like my abilify is not at the right strength. I dressed up nice for church tonight, yet I didn't feel pretty. I just want to cry for no reason and because of everything.  I've been sick this past week and unable to work. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Tomorrow I go back to the OBGYN Dr for some results and maybe some treatment. I'm in pain because my prescription got messed up by new rheumatologist office and I am out of medication. Yesterday was the one year mark I almost lost my momma. I don't know what I'd do without her. I feel hopeless. I don't feel worthwhile. I'm single. I'll never find a guy. Why do I bother trying to find one. I give up. It doesn't matter anymore. Luckily I'm going to group therapy tomorrow morning and I can try to talk to the Dr t...

February 21, 2018: Celiac Disease is a disease that affects hundreds of people. I've rounded up a little information on it. Symptoms of Celiac Disease: abdominal bloating and pain chronic diarrhea vomiting constipation pale, foul-smelling, or fatty stool weight loss fatigue irritability and behavioral issues dental enamel defects of the permanent teeth delayed growth and puberty short stature failure to thrive Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) unexplained iron-deficiency anemia fatigue bone or joint pain arthritis osteoporosis or osteopenia (bone loss) liver and biliary tract disorders (transaminitis, fatty liver, primary sclerosing cholangitis, etc.) depression or anxiety peripheral neuropathy ( tingling, numbness or pain in the hands and feet) seizures or migraines missed menstrual periods infertility or recurrent miscarriage canker sores inside the mouth dermatitis herpetiformis (itchy skin rash) For me, I was having severe diarrhea m...

February 20, 2018: 10 Things to say and not say to someone with PTSD. What to say: 1.) I'll support you. When someone has PTSD, they don’t feel like anyone understands. And mostly that’s because they know that there aren’t many people who feel the way they do. So just telling them that you support them can bring them comfort. 2.) How can I help? The answer you probably get is, “There’s nothing you can do, but thank you.” Try not to take that as a final answer. A person with PTSD feels like no one can really help. But asking this question regularly shows them that you do care and truly want to help in any way you can. 3.) I don't know what it's like to have PTSD, but I am here for you. The beginning of this statement is important (reference #1 below). Even if you’ve had PTSD in the past, say something like, “I’ve had PTSD too and I am here for you.” 4.) When you're ready to get help, I'll help you find a counselor. This statement packs several powerful mean...

February 17, 2018: It's the fabulous flu, all over again. I just wished it'd go away. I've never had it before, but this winter it's happened twice now. No bueno! Last night I had my sleep study. I had a few events happen, but nothing major. It's up to the Dr if I get a machine or not a nd deal with that hassle. I'm still waiting to go back to my OBGYN for the results of the biopsies. I came home today from my sleep study sick. Dr. thinks it's the flu, again, but a different strain. Thinks tamiflu is to late to treat it. Again, no bueno! I'm loosing this health battle for certain. I just need one thing to go right for once. My love life doesn't exist because of trauma I've been through. I found out yesterday another classmate passed away, and my heart broke for her family. I was always the oldest in my class so she'd be younger than myself. For once I need good news and good health. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

February 14, 2018: Valentine's Day. Happy singles day to all of you single people out there. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you couples out there. Which ever it is for you, I hope it's a good day for you. I've been single on Valentine's Day for so many year's now, I don't know that I'd know how to celebrate the day as a girlfriend or wife. As many of my reader's are well aware, I have a lot of health issues. One of my health issues is my depression. Due to my depression I go to get the Depo Provera shot to eradicate my monthly cycles. I go to the same place also as a woman to get regular female check-ups. In January I had my regular check-up done. A week later I got bad news. I was told I have low grade suggestive of high grade squamous intraepithilial lesions, lg-hgsil, aka precancerous cervical cells. I was told I need a procedure called a Colposcopy done. Basically it's the same as a pap smear but they shine a bright light inside to look at...

February 11, 2018: Apparently my mood has changed recently. I'm on a new medicine for my Bipolar II disorder. For once a medication that actually makes me feel like myself. I was on medicine before that I was always blah, in a daze, or in a fog feeling. My Abilify makes me feel like myself. I can think clearly. My parents noticed a change in me when I started taking it. A good change. However now that I'm getting closer to the due date for my next injection, we have noticed I'm irritable and a bit crankier than normal. If I seem grouchy to anyone, my sincerest apologies. I'm also dealing with a lot on my plate. I have so many Dr appointments and tests being run on me, both already done and coming up still. I can't figure out if I'm coming or going. I have so many alarms and reminders set to keep me going during the week. I need a personal assistant. I'm also dealing with this weather. First rain, now my phone says a winter weather advisory is in effect. I f...

January 8, 2018: Today is a new day. Tomorrow will start a long week for me. I have 4 appointments that I must be present for. I have a urology x-ray tomorrow to check on some stones I've had for awhile. Then Monday is the follow up appointment for the x-ray. Next Friday night, I have a sleep study that I've been dreading and putting off for a long time. Then on TuesdayI have an OBGYN appointment that I'm truly afraid of. I had an abnormal pap smear come back. I go in for a Colposcopy. I won't go into details about it, but I ask for prayers, good will, and thoughts. I'll be ok. I can do this. One day at a time. No matter what you are dealing with,  you can survive through it. Just like I will survive through this too. Look back on what you have been through so far. You survived your toughest of days. You'll survive this. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

February 6, 2018: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION: 1.) Low mood 2.) Decreased interest or pleasure 3.) Significant weight change 4.) Sleep disturbances 5.) Psychomotor agitation or retardation 6.) Fatigue 7.) Feelings of worthlessness or guilt 8.) Thoughts of death https://www.verywellmind.com/top-depression-symptoms-1066910 FACTS ABOUT DEPRESSION: 1.) Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression. 2.) Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, and is a major contributor to the overall global burden of disease. 3.) More women are affected by depression than men. 4.) At its worst, depression can lead to suicide.There are effective treatments for depression. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

February 2, 2018: There are many times when I feel like I've done something wrong to a person, that I don't "click" with them. I think why me? What did I do to them? What should I have done differently? What could I have done differently? Do I stink? Am I ugly? Is my voice offensive? Are my clothes out of style or is my skirt hiked up in the back? I know it has to be something that I did or am doing. IT'S NOT ALWAYS YOU! I was raised that if someone didn't like you, it's your fault. This is not true. It might be that they are having a bad day. Maybe they just don't want to know you. Maybe they have a fear or thought they can't get over. It's not always you. Don't worry about it. If you tried to be nice, then you did your part. They wasn't nice, then it's on them. Not you. They should be taught some manners and taught to be nice to people. Not everyone is nice. As long as you did what you could do to be nice and to reach out to the...

January 24, 2018: The work refrigerator. It is a place where people bring or place leftover food for their lunch while working. When you place your food in there, you hope that it is still there when you return for it. When you walk into work, and a dumb coworker asks if some certain food was yours, and says he ate part of it, it makes you irrate! This very thing happened to me. I received free Chinese food that I specifically picked out for myself that was not breaded. Came to work and new guy asked if it was mine. Yes. I looked at it and it was half gone! On top of that, he used his fork that he leaves here and never washes it and stuck it in my food! I ended up throwing the food away because that thought is so disgusting. I'm so furious. I can't see straight! Dinner tonight consists of my 1 crab ragoon, sunflower seeds, and water with lemon. I guess I'm on a diet tonight. Stop stealing other people's food! Stop making them starve for lunch to satisfy your own hunge...

January 22, 2017: I want to blog but not to sure what I should or need to say. I'm still getting help for my Bi-polar II, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm looking at a membership at the YMCA to do the therapy pool. The therapy pool would benefit my fibromyalgia and arthritis so much. It's actually cheaper at the YMCA than planet fitness. I think Friday I'll go down there and get my membership. I also heard about a reduced price for low income people, so I'll try for that. I can't wait to go back to my group therapy and to get started on my individual counseling. My mental health has become so important to me recently. Mostly because it has gotten worse. My bipolar started kicking my butt, my agoraphobia was getting the best of me. I have a Dr appointment today and I don't want to leave now. I'm nervous now as I prepare to leave. Tightness in the chest and nervous. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

January 20, 2018: Not certain what to say. I'm in severe pain. I am cramped up and grouchy due to female reproductive system hormones. Dealing with arthritis. Dealing with my fibro. I was asked what is fibromyalgia like and to describe it. It feels like my skin is on fire. Feels like I was in a car accident hit head on. You feel every inch of your body quivering. You feel like bugs are crawling on you. Feels like a Charlie-horse all over your body. It's so hard to explain. People touch you and nearly sends you to the moon cause the pain shoots you out of this world! I had so many people touch me on the shoulder today. I wanted to scream at them. People patted me hard on the shoulder and I wanted to punch them hard. I almost punched one person today but I didn't do a thing but smile. People don't get that touch can cause severe pain. I'm laying in bed, in tears cause I hurt so bad. I can't get comfortable. There will be no comfortable position tonight in bed. T...

January 15, 2018: This weekend hasn't been the best, but not bad. I recovered from the flu, and immediately went back to work. I apologized to someone for the trouble and strife between us.  I'm not sure things will ever go back to being normal between us. Not sure if I can allow it to be back to normal. So many things happened. My anxiety was bad this weekend at work. Looking back, I think it had to do with the number of hours I worked this weekend. It also has to do with the double standard  things we deal with at work. What I mean by that is, you can't leave it outside, but you can't leave it inside. I don't deal with stress well, and this certainly stresses me out. I try to solve the problem myself, when it's not my problem to solve. Today at group, I got triggered just by talk about child molesters. During break I went outside, but I wanted to be alone for a minute to calm down. I knew better than that. I didn't listen to my voice of reason though. I ...

January 12, 2018: Have you ever had someone to tell you that your feelings was wrong towards certain situations? I have. A lot! I was having issues with my female reproductive system and very severe cramps as a young teen, and getting sick from it. The doctor decided to do a physical exam in me. While his hand was in me he's saying, "That's odd I can't find your ovaries." After he was done I felt a bit violated in some sort of weird way. Something about the whole thing felt wrong. I can't say why. I don't think he was trying to be sexual about it, but yet I couldn't shake that feeling of being violated. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was so young as a woman. I had never been touched that way down there. However, I brought the subject up with someone and was point blank told my feelings were WRONG! All my life I've been told if something didn't feel right or feel comfortable that there was probably something wrong with the situation. I ...

January 5, 2018: I haven't blogged in a couple of days and everything is going well. I am still going to my group counseling. I actually enjoy going now. I don't have issues with my Agoraphobia when I go to counseling. I wished (along with others in group) that we could continue to go to group throughout the week and not just on Fridays once we graduate. Myself and a few others all agree that we are the sane ones and everyone else in the world are the crazy ones. The sane people get help. The insane don't get help. Everyone needs help. It's just a matter of who you reach out to for help. If you don't reach out for help, you can go insane. I went to work again yesterday and my anxiety wasn't as bad as the first day back to work after taking time off to get myself treated and to get help. My first day back was miserable. I have had a few people to try to reach out to me and to talk to me, but I didn't want to talk to them just yet. I'm still nervous about...

January 1, 2018: HAPPY NEW YEAR! Today is the new year. Today is a new me, supposedly. This is day 2 of starting my new medicine. Technically speaking, day 3. I don't like how the medicine is making me feel. I feel jittery, on edge, like my anxiety is in full gear, and like I'm in a fog.  Heart rate is elevated some. Get me off of this stuff! I hate this stuff. I've been on it before. I can't even think to write this. I think it's going to be short today. Arrrrgggghhhh! This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR