My Daily Struggle

October 31, 2017: I was accused at my job of things I didn't do. I was accused of calling other employees a "bitch". I said that I could be one, but I never called anyone else that. Half truths were told. Now I am being accused of doing something to PTSD the magazine's accounts.  Why would I do anything to hurt or sabotage something that I wanted to be apart of? Why is my life being destroyed? What I have I done to make everyone hate me? Why!? I can't scream loud enough! I'm in so much mental pain. I can't make it stop. The flashbacks of the rest of my life are flooding in like someone opened the flood gates. The physical abuse I've endured, I feel all of that pain. I don't have the desire to live right now, but I made a promise to someone. I just want the pain to stop! Why is everyone doing this to me? What did I do!? I'm terrified out of my mind. Now his fiancee is requesting access to my book I started writing years ago. I'm afraid she ...

October 28, 2017: PRAYING by Kesha Well, you almost had me fooled Told me that I was nothing without you Oh, but after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin', changin' I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin' I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again And you said that I was done Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come 'Cause I can make it on my own And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh When I'm finished, they won't even know your name You brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin...

October 25, 2017: My day at work was miserable! I don't think miserable even begins to describe it, honestly. I get to work minding my own business, doing my job. Co-worker comes to me who has been there over a month now, who sometimes acts completely clueless some days, says "I don't have a scanner, I don't know what to do." I said "ok, let me see if I can find them," because other people come and take our equipment all the time and never return it. She said "Ok, while you do that, I'm going to put a couple of things away," whole pointing to the items. I noticed it was clearance stuff. I said, "Hey could you help me out while I find the scanners?" She says ok. Told her what I wanted help with. I thanked her several times for the help. I went to find the scanners, spent 25 MINUTES of my time doing stuff for her and one other person! All the while, I got gripped at for not being able to do a "locate" on the scanners by so...

October 22, 2017: Well as many of my friends through Facebook now know, I'm now writing for a brand new magazine, PTSD the magazine. It's an online magazine. I have wrote an article for the first publication. I'm super excited about this new adventure. Not only am I writing for the magazine, but I'm also helping to manage the Facebook and Instagram accounts for the magazine. I'm excited about where this journey takes me. I'm hoping to remember this feeling of being on cloud 9 right now to help me get through my bad days. Not everyday is a basket of roses. Somedays are nothing to brag and write home about. When we have our bad days as all of us will, we have to remember the good ones. The birth of a child, a marriage, or even a promotion. I've dealt with the loss of my sweet Skizix for 2 months now. As I move forward with my life without him, I look back and realize how important he was to my mental health. If you don't have a pet  get one. I can't e...

October 18, 2017: Depression is not a good thing. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, to me, it feels like a never ending tunnel. You feel abandoned by others.  Just last week I was trying to explain to my coworkers exactly what is going on and I felt ignored. They didn't care. I tried apologizing for my behaviors because I am dealing with so much that my brain can't even handle it all. My stress level is at a breaking point. Most days I feel like people don't even believe a word I say. I was even asked if fibromyalgia is contagious. The person who asked was only concerned about themself. Didn't care about me.  No concern shown towards me. No sympathy at all. Just a "I can't afford to get sick". There has only been 3 people who actually listen to everything. I confessed to one of the people that I felt abandoned and alienated by everyone. Fine, so be it. Go away. I'd rather eat my lunch and breaks alone then be around someon...

October 15, 2017: I'm in so much pain right now, I almost started crying at church today. I sat there not opening a song book because I didn't have the physical strength to pick one up, and it hurt to badly. I'm freezing cold because of the weather. Depression has set in. This is my new life. I discovered today thast the medicine I have been taking for my fibro has wheat in it. So, for the last week, I've literally been poisoning myself slowly, one day at a time. Not only am I in extreme pain because it's cold outside, but my insides are now in extreme pain and feel like they're being shred apart. Why does medicine have to have gluten. It is serving no medical purpose in the treatment of my fibro. It is only making me feel worse. I'm so tired I can barely right this now as is. I guess I'm keeping it short today. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

October 12, 2017: I started my new medicine Monday. The reality of living with fibromyalgia set in yesterday. I'm going to have good and bad days. I don't know if my good days or bad days will out weigh the other. I literally started crying because I'm going to live with this pain for the rest of my life. The arthritis and fibromyalgia. It's scary thinking that I just turned 32 and I already have all of these painful issues. Tuesday while I was working, i felt amazing. I didn't really hurt except for my arthritis. After I went home, I started getting stiff and hurting. Then Wednesday was miserable. I left work early. I could barely move let alone walk. I still had to drive home. Once I got home I just went to bed and slept. I woke up and I was still hurting and miserable. I cried. I was depressed. I wanted to snap my fingers and turn the pain off. I even wanted to blink myself home, in bed, in my pajamas, all covered up and warm. I couldn't deal with the pain a...

October 9, 2017: Today has started off just like any other day has for me in the past few weeks. Muscular pain, stiffness, spasms and weakness. I don't feel like things are getting better.  In fact it might be worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a coworker who has maybe worked 8 days since I started at Meijer. One of her many excuses for not showing up at work is because she needed 2 weeks off for plantar fasciitis. Yes I know that it hurts, I have it myself. However, my current conditions trump her foot. I went to the Dr earlier and sdhe said she wondered if my pain was caused by fibromyalgia. She's putting me on some medicine for it and we'll see how things go. I'm hopeful it works. I need answers now! I have more exciting news to share but I don't want to share it just yet. It's awesome and exciting and could even potentially open new doors for me. We'll see how that goes. Praying everything else works out well though. This is my blog. Th...

October 6, 2017: I got my lab results Thursday morning. Everything was normal. Well as normal as it can be for me. I go back to my Dr on Monday. I'm still in pain. Still dealing with muscle weakness and physical exhaustion. I'm extremely glad that I'm off work tomorrow.  I can rest up tomorrow and get some things done hopefully. I left my job at the mall, and I hopefully will be less stressed out. I've been on dating sites, and I had one guy come at me with all the negativity in his life and then asked me to tell him mine. I'm sorry dude I don't know you. I don't want to sit her thinking about all the negativity in my life.  I don't want to think about the men that have hurt me. You don't ever ask a person with PTSD to tell every story with detail. You might as well say hey, I'm going to make you relive the worst times of your life for my own entertainment and curiosity, because I can only focus on negative stuff. A person with PTSD does not wa...

October 2, 2017: Happy October everyone! This is my most favorite month of the year. Halloween time. The leaves change colors. It's perfect hoodie weather. I'd wear a hoodie year round if the weather allowed for such clothing. My hoodie is sorta like my own personal security blanket. My bed quilt I made is definitely my personal security blanket. I think anything soft/fluffy and warm is my comfort. Right now, that's all I crave. I want softness, warmth, and a sense of security. I'm afraid of the unknown.  I'm afraid of my answers. I hurt from head to toe, every square inch of me. People pat me on the back, touch my arm and they don't realize how much that hurts me. I understand people forget that I'm hurting or don't even realize it. I try so hard to be nice to people right now, but it's so hard to do. I don't want to be around anyone because I am afraid of being touched. I went to the Dr today and talked to my Dr. about everything going on. She...