My Daily Struggle

September 30, 2017: I reckon I truly am forevermore alone. Meet a fellow Christian on an online site. Everything was going great. Except he wanted me to come over that night to meet and spend the night. I had no desire to. He asked if it was too soon to save my number as "future wife"? Uhmmmm... ok. I'm flattered. He broke his hand, had surgery, couldn't drive till 2pm the next day. Next day I offer to help a Christian brother out and ask if he needed anything. I find out that the next day that he thought I had ulterior motives in trying to come over.  He accused me of moving to fast. He said  I love you before I was ready and tried to correct it by saying I like you. I'm moving to fast?! I'm the one moving to fast?  I'm moving to fast! I'm in excruciating pain still waiting on my Dr appointment on Monday.  I can't tolerate being touched right now. This is bad news to him. He's very touchy. So am I. I love touching. It won't work between us...

September 27, 2017: I spoke with my cousin yesterday and she suggested/asked if I had thought about seeing a rheumatologist. I have thought about it, but have not put it into motion until yesterday. After Sunday's ordeal of being in excruciating pain just from simple touch I decided I needed to do something. I called and made an appointment with my Dr to get a referral. Unfortunately that Monday appointment is not soon enough for my body.  My body has had other things in mind. Like causing excruciating pain once again in my body. Throbbing, aching pain. I tried Advil and Meloxicam this time. No help.. doubted it would. Went to urgent care and was prescribed prednisone. The nurse said if she were me she'd take some benadryl and sleep the whole night away. Medicine took.. sleep....... on the way. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

September 24, 2017: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Thirty-two years young! Today as I was talking to my dear friend Frank and his co-worker, a question came up that has often times been brought up before by others. "WHY DON'T I GO ON DISABILITY IF I HAVE SO MUCH WRONG WITH ME?" I've been dealing with my health issues since high school. Early onset arthritis, asthma, allergies, food allergies, PTSD, Anxiety, Celiac Disease, Sleep apnea (most likely), Overactive bladder, MRSA, reoccurring uti/bladder infection, nutrient diffencies caused by the Celiac Disease, need for bifocals even though I'm "to young", and an astigmatism. My list is to long for a person my age. I know. However, I get up, put my pants on one leg at a time, go to work everyday, (working 3 jobs right now) and I do my job to the best of my ability, with my whole heart in it, hoping it'll distract me from my loneliness and from the constant pain I'm in from all my issues. People ask me why...

September 21, 2017: I've had so much on my mind and dealing with so much, I never seem to know if I'm coming or going. I loose track of what day it is, which uniform to put on. Dealing with the harassment, still seeing a certain guy at work. Both jobs I deal with a coworker that does a no-call-no-show. To be honest (it's not that I'm not always honest, because I try to be honest to the best of my knowledge) I don't understand why people do that. I  personally live paycheck to paycheck like most everyone else in this world. If I did a no-call-no-show just once... people would probably start calling my phone to make sure I'm ok. If I refused to answer my calls like these people often times do, I'd probably loose my job! If I don't loose my job, I'm still out the money I would have gotten from working, so I don't understand that. I finally got signed up for health insurance through Meijer, yay! However with everything going on at the mall that I...

September 14, 2017: Last night, I was sexually harassed by 2 people while at work. Today, I went to Meijer, and I was a nervous wreck. I was constantly on the lookout for any man that was approaching my area. I cried. We have a skin head, at the mall, who followed me through the mall 3 different times and stares at me while I'm working. He stares in such a way that you know He is, and he's undressing you in his mind. He does it to other women who works there as well. He's also racists towards any Spanish speaking people. That alone makes me angry. Then another guy who was completely drunk, tried kissing me! I could almost taste the alcohol on his breath. I could smell it. I asked him to stop then he tried to guilt trip me and asked why I was making excuses to not kiss him. I told him to go home because he was drunk. Leave me alone! I can't do my job when I'm looking over my shoulder constantly in fear of being harassed. I don't even wear makeup to either job. ...

September 12, 2017: I am seriously messed up. Permanently messed up and irreparable. I will stay alone forever. I can't trust anyone. I snap at people. I hate people. I don't want to be around anyone. I'd rather hide in my room, in bed, under my covers. People make me mad. I don't want to leave the house anymore. How do I move forward from the bad place in my life? I sometimes feel like If I can learn to trust one person after being shown that I couldn't trust that person, that I can learn to trust other people. However, I know that not everyone is the same. Not everyone goes around breaking trust. I have Frank who I know that I can always trust. He was there for me yesterday talking to me and giving me the level headed calm and reassuring, yet the smack in the face wisdom I knew I could count on and needed yesterday. I was already telling myself the exact same things he told me yet hearing it out loud and from someone else just solidified what I knew I needed to ...

September 7, 2017: Happy Birthday to the world's best and only brother tomorrow! 26 years old and these years have flown. Today however, has been different. I almost snapped on some customers at the mall yesterday. They seriously asked me for my equipment to clean their personal items. I'm not allowed to let anyone touch my cart or anything on my cart. Stores are not allowed to use my equipment, or customers for that matter. No, no and no! They asked well what am I supposed to clean it with? I could tell they was whiners who needed some cheese with it. I said you go to the bathroom and clean it first of all. Second of all I barely have enough equipment to clean your mess. Third of all these stores are not allowed to use my stuff let alone you. Next thing I know they stood there sputtering, but but uh but but.... well it's gonna leak all the way to the bathrooms. I said "That is my problem. Not yours.  I have to call for backup to clean this mess alone," all becau...

September 4, 2017: I know that I don't normally or ever blog twice in one day. However,  today is different. Today is... totally different.  I have recently come across a site for those who suffer PTSD where everyone can talk to each other and post in the forums about issues. My current thoughts: I hate people. Now, let me be more clear. Yes, I have a couple of friends who I talk to regularly.  I have a few other friends who I don't talk to as often. However, beyond those people,  I don't like everyone else.  I would rather stay far away from people. Today's lunch for example. I would have been way happier and secure feeling, eating alone. My love life (or lack thereof), I've had several guys ask me out on a date. I turned all of them down. I don't feel comfortable around anyone or on a date with anyone. My agoraphobia gets worse every day. I am always aware of my closest escape route. I have to be nice to people. Why should I be nice to anyone? They aren't...

September 4, 2017: Only 4 days until my baby brother's birthday. Hard to believe that 26 years ago he was born and his birth mother made the difficult decision to give him up. To his birth mom, thank you for your sacrifice. Your sacrifice was my family's gain. My baby brother is my thorn in the flesh some days, however if someone else messes with me... well, let's just say you picked the wrong sister to mess with. Yesterday and today was a bad day in general.  I had to work both days. My anxiety flared really bad and it took me awhile to calm down. There was people I wanted to talk to and couldn't because they was busy. This morning I got up and felt horrible. My allergies are bugging me and making me feel sluggish. I'm cold even though the temp is 74 and I have 2 blankets on me. I sorta lied to people at work that I was fine, when in truth, I wanted to puke, curl up in bed and sleep. I've come to another realization that I am way to busy right now to have a r...

September 1, 2017: Some days I just can't: * Be nice to customers. * Be nice to co-workers. * Be nice to family. * Be nice to friends. * Tolerate my arthritis pain. * Believe the secrets people tell me. * Stay away from gluten. * Stick to my diet. * Deal with the loss of my fuzz-ball, Skizix. * Tolerate my life. * Work 3 jobs till I get insurance at my new job. * Deal with the flashbacks. * Deal with the anxiety. * Deal with the stress. * Deal with the depression. * Get up and go about my day. * Deal with my health issues. * ADULT! I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm in pain. Everyone at my night shift job is irritable due to Hurricane Harvey, or as my mom so nicknamed him, Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald. The mall was dead all week. The one day a year a hurricane comes thru and EVERYONE and there brother comes to the mall. There is a guy that I know thru the mall and I wonder that he might have to many health issues to carry out a full time or even a ...