My Daily Struggle

June 30, 2017: Lady Gaga    Million Reasons You're giving me a million reasons to let you go You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show You're givin' me a million reasons Give me a million reasons Givin' me a million reasons About a million reasons If I had a highway, I would run for the hills If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still But you're giving me a million reasons Give me a million reasons Givin' me a million reasons About a million reasons I bow down to pray I try to make the worst seem better Lord, show me the way To cut through all his worn out leather I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away But baby, I just need one good one to stay Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware 'Cause you're giving me a million reasons Give me a million reasons Givin' me a million reasons About a million reasons And if you sa...

June 22, 2017: First and foremost, shout out to my girlfriend on her birthday! Happy Birthday and many more! Now, on to my day. Today started my journey babysitting for my cousin,  their 2 angels. Almost 2 and a 3 year old. It will be a learning experience for me and for them. Today we made shaving cream cards that their mommy can help write in later to send out to people from their church or to whoever. At first I liked the shaving cream but it started getting messier and didn't like it as much, and M didn't even want to touch it. Oh well, I think she enjoyed watching us get messy. I read books to I, while M played house and kitchen,  whichever one caught her adorably cute 2 minute attention span for the minute. No fights, no serious drama with the exception of the diaper change time. However, I learned a little trick today (again, learning experience)! My cousin told me that me watching the girls is an answered prayer. The thing is, I have wanted to get to know the girls be...

June 19, 2017: I met another sweet gal today who is like me! It's absolutely amazing to have female friends or acquaintances who have been through similar events in their life just to have someone to relate to. I often times feel like I have developed skills to cope with my own traumatic past better than others have, or maybe I just clam everything up inside and just don't tell people about what is wrong for fear of judgement or the lack of understanding on their part. Maybe I just move on and keep fighting because I have a family that cares about what I make of myself. I'm so very grateful that I have people who do care. Someone once told me that we don't need friends in life. I have to very strongly disagree with that statement. We need friends that we can relate with to talk about our struggles of every day life. Maybe a kind word of encouragement from our friends is what we need to lift us out of the slumps. Someone to make us laugh so hard, that we shed tears of jo...

June 17, 2017: People can poison your mind and opinions of a person so easily. I used to talk to a person who I came in contact with on a regular basis. I started dating Rob, and all that changed. Rob told me things supposedly about this person and told me to not trust the person. I reached the point that I didn't trust him anymore and refused to talk to him. Now that I know Rob had been cheating on me, my very dear and close friend says he trusts this guy with his life and my life. When you don't trust him, but would put your life in your dear friend's hands and your friend would put your life in this guy's hands, what do you do? I just need time to process the fact that everything I thought I knew, is most likely a lie. How do you go on with information you thought you knew as a fact, knowing that it might all be a lie. I have often times thought about a daith piercing in hopes that it'd help eliminate my migraines. However, based on what Rob told me I decided not...

June 15, 2017: * When you ask a serious question like "Where is the nearest public bathroom," and you are at the opposite end of the mall, don't roll your eyes at me and ask "Seriously?" You asked for the nearest one, I told you. It's not my fault you asked for the nearest public one! * When the mall has been closed for 10 minutes or more, and I have both bathroom doors propped open and a cute little yellow sign that says "CLOSED" and the bathrooms somewhat baracaded with my cart and you squeeze by it and waltz in the bathroom and I tell you that the bathrooms are closed, don't roll your eyes at me and say, "You've got to be joking me!" Noooo, I just make up things to make you mad intentionally and to joke around and to be mean. Public bathrooms get cleaned very thoroughly at the end of the night. Anyways, you aren't supposed to be in the mall after 9pm! It's for your own safety! * When I have wet floor signs out and my...

June 13, 2017: Maybe everyone is just being nice to me. Maybe I really am ugly and people don't want to offend me so they find a nice feature about me and compliment it. I have to many freckles. My hair is ugly stupid red and blonde color. My ears and nose is small. My eyes aren't a pretty blue but ugly brown. My skin is so white and I can't tan. I'm fat. I have ugly stretch marks from weight gain and loss.I'm not runway model pretty. Let's face it, I'm ugly. My attitude stinks. I don't have confidence in myself. I have PTSD. I seek attention through health issues that are legit. I try loosing weight, but for some reason I have hit a plateau. I count calories. I walk 5-7 miles a day 5 days a week or more. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I don't care anymore. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

June 12, 2017: Today has been a tough day. My boss has 2 family members in the hospital. My brother had to come in on his day off while another employee did nothing all day, gripped about having to come in all week even though this person got 2 days off and my brother has no days off this week. Then this person wanted to stand and talk while I'm doing the floor sweep at the end of the day. Seriously I don't have time to chat! Why am I frustrated? How about cause you are standing here on the clock wasting my time and company time wanting to talk about my feelings of why I am frustrated that my brother is coming in on his 1 day off to fill in for you because you don't want to do anything except talk on your phone all day, walk past trash on the floor, past tables that was dirty, sit down behind Auntie Anne's with your cart behind you and be content to let me do all the work and then complain to a very close friend of Stephen's about how Stephen and I do absolutely not...

June 11, 2017: So today I was talking to a guy from Auntie Anne's, and as we were walking and talking, he stopped to look for some Reese's Pieces. He found some and bought both of us a small handful.  A little later as I was thinking about things as I often do, I realized that I have not had a guy buy me something with the exception of my brother,  dad and a very trusted friend of mine since I was with Rob Jones. Rob bought me flowers.  However this particular individual bought me a small handful of my favorite kind of candy. Sometimes women don't need flowers,  sometimes all it takes is 25 cents. I will always think about tonight and if the person who bought the candy for me is reading this, just know I truly appreciate the kindness and it's the thought that counts, not the value. You have no idea what it meant to me. There is a a funny joke going around at work that a lady from one of the store's is pregnant by a security guard there. This is not true. However,...

June 10, 2017: I think things have settled down finally.  I think everyone is stressed out to the max. I haven't had a day off in two weeks, since May 29th. I'm physically exhausted and drained. I know Stephen is too. I feel physically weak. Sitting here, I feel like I could fall asleep sitting up, or standing up even. I'll finally have 2 days off this coming week. I haven't blogged in awhile due to my exhaustion. Someone said to me today that I have to be willing to be hurt again in order for me to love again. The thing is that I'm not willing to be hurt again. Does that mean I'm not willing to love again? Maybe I should stay single. I don't know. I know that I really want a relationship and I want to be madly in love,  but I'm not willing to allow myself to be hurt again. I have friends who are madly in love with their significant other and I have friends who are having problems. I want someone that goes to church with me and encourages me in my faith...

June 7, 2017: Right now I don't really know what to write. I'm still hurting so badly by the betrayal. I don't know what is going on with my brother and why he's acting this way. I'm worried and a little scared. Everyone at work is asking about him. He won't talk to anyone.  My emotions have gone on a train ride and the train was derailed! He hurt my 2 good friends from work. I'm so thankful for both of them right now and my boss.  When I'm with them, it's a judgmental free zone and the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" rule applies. We talk about everything. If I cry when I'm with them, they understand. Right now, I'd be way worse off if I didn't have my other 2 amigos at my side. We truly are the 3 amigos. Right now as I write, I cry, cause I'm hurting because of the confusion about my brother. I want my brother back. I don't know who this person is he has become. I love my brother! I love that baby boy we brough...

June 6, 2017: When a loved family member lies and stabs you in the back, it feels like the deepest betrayal ever. Exactly that happened.  I didn't feel like eating, I dragged all day, I didn't want to talk about it, i wanted to hide, me and my friends were all hurt. I think my girl friends know how deeply it hurt me because of the relationship. One of them felt sorry for me and told me sorry for this person's actions, even though it was not her fault.  That got me thinking. She's not actually apologizing for the actions,  just feeling sorry for me cause I'm going through such a deep betrayal. It also got me thinking, why do we hurt the ones we love? We let our guard's down around the loved ones, we can be our true self. It's our comfort zone. One of my gf's told me to eat something cause I had not eaten real food today. I followed the advice even though it made me regret eating that much. I'm upset, and hurt and betrayed. My stomach is knotted up....

June 5, 2017: Today was not a good day. This is the reason for my blog, to share with you what living with ptsd and anxiety is like. I'm not looking for sympathy,  or advice on how to live my life, or prayers or support. Just hoping that you, as a reader will understand. Today started like any normal day. I got ready for work and headed out with my brother.  Get to work and things started happening. Miscommunication, misunderstandings, lies, misinterpretation and everything for myself went downhill fast. Before I knew it my chest was tightening up like it was being folded in half and squeezed by a table vice. I couldn't breath. It felt like a bad horror movie were the walls were closing in on me. I was hot and sweaty. I was shaking all over. It felt like everyone was starring at me thinking "what is your problem?" I wanted to run far away crawl into the deepest darkest room, hide and cry. I just wanted to scream at everyone. I didn't want to be around anyone. I f...

June 3 2017: Allergies! Coughing!  Sneezing! Runny nose! Congestion! No sense of smell! Can't breathe! Oh My! Woke up this morning to a sore throat and completely stuffed up nose, in addition to still coughing up my lungs. This Ohio Valley allergy crud is totally under-rated! It's the worse! Can't breathe,  don't worry, you won't die in your sleep cause you won't sleep either. Then you are just dragging your sorry butt around all day cause you are so tired. Your chest feels like it's on fire, because it's filled with thick lovely mucous. When you use your essential oils in a diffuser and on a rag just so that you can breathe,  you finally fall asleep hours later only to be woken by your parents who think you've had plenty of sleep during the night. Luckily my brother wanted to switch me days so I can stay home and fight the allergies. I'm going to wash bed sheets and my pillow to clean out any pollens or dust. However, I laid down to take a nap ...

June 1, 2017: Today has been a pretty good day. Stopped to grab a fidget cube instead of the famed fidget spinner. I want to hold something in one hand and not need 2 hands to fidget with something. This can prove to be a great way to ground myself next time my ptsd decides to have a go at my emotions and thoughts. Got a new-ish employee that will make up lies and actually believe said lies, so I cherish nights that I work with my brother, much like tonight. My brother and I have never been close growing up due to the age difference between us(6 years almost to the day), and now that we are grown and working together I feel like we have gotten closer. I was talking to a girl that works at the mall but not in housekeeping, and we were just walking and talking about guys and all the cuties at work. We are supposed to have male/female teams for my job, so it's kinda enjoyable to be able to talk to a girl closer to my age and talk about whatever! She also mentioned the very same tho...