My Daily Struggle

Loving my enemies is a very tall order. Considering that I have done nothing to provoke them except by marrying my husband.  I took something away from her that wasn't even hers. So how do I get repaid for that. A photo of me on my wedding day was defaced and had terroristic threats made to look like it was coming from my own lips and passed around and laughed at. I was humiliated. I wanted to hunt her down so badly. I wanted to hurt the man that she cheated on my husband with, who helped her create this profain video. I wanted her number so I could turn it over to the police. She still shows up to his place of work looking for him. I want to punch her in the face so hard that it deforms her ugliness, a bit more. She calls him on a regular basis to harass us and remind us that she still lurks.  I was reminded of the Bible passage today, LOVE THY ENEMIES. What a slap in the face and rude awakening to me. I'm reminded of what my mother in law would say. Drop it, leave her alone ...

Death is an ugly word. So is cancer. Both have touched my family in the past couple of months. My mother-in-law has passed away from Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer on the 19. This is the first time I've felt like writing since then. I've wanted to so many times but couldn't find the strength, courage, and words to do so. I'm relieved, depressed, hurt, sad, angry, and stressed at the loss of her. I know she's not suffering from the pain of the cancer and the recent stroke anymore but it still hurts not having her there anymore. It hurts watching my husband go through all this stuff without her there helping him along. We now face the struggle of managing 2 houses on very little income, ours and his brother's disability benefits. We are picking up some of the bills to try to help, but will we survive on our income? So many questions and concerns are unknown, coming up. She was so young. Only 64 years, 1 month, and 5 days old.  This is my voice. This is my blog.  HEAR M...

Well, it's now May and my husband and I are about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Technically we have been together since May 30, 2019. We have been married for a year though.  My mother-in-law we found out has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It's been so hard. The struggle is real. I cry almost every day. My husband cries several times a day. The knowledge that your mom is going to die soon is horrible.  Watching her go through this is harder. Last mother's day, last birthday,  last day alive? How are you supposed to feel when she calls you up in tears saying that she is not going to wake up in the morning and going to die. You rush over after a half eaten dinner to make sure she hasn't done anything stupid. You sit at her side. Crying. Praying. Begging. Pleading. You're in so much mental and emotional pain that you literally hurt physically.  How do you plan a vacation trip knowing that she could fall because she is so weak just going to the bathroom. She h...

First and foremost to my reader's I want to apologize for not blogging in awhile. Things have gotten crazy in my life. I'm suffering from some severe depression right now from many things.  My paternal grandmother is suffering from severe dementia and in a nursing home.  Just last year before Thanksgiving, she was driving a school bus and now suddenly suffering dementia after having covid.  My mother-in-law we just found out that she has pancreatic cancer. She has not gone to the doctor yet but will here soon to find out what the next step is. My hours at work have been cut in half due to covid. Covid has wrecked so many lives including ours. I get half the pay, however I am on loss of wages benefits and I have gotten insurance through the state. It only lasts till September.  I don't know what will happen then. I'm trying to stay positive but it's so hard to do at times with every thing that is going on in my life.  People keep asking me if I will get the vacci...

I'm not positive because I have been told different things, however I believe covid has struck our house again.  This time it was both of us. I think my husband got it worse than I did. My grandmother had it, my in laws have it, and my aunt has it. I think my parents may have escaped but waiting on some tests. My grandmother has received a pacemaker today which came as a huge shock to all of us. I've applied for a couple of jobs and receiving loss of wages assistance. Im back to work now however my husband is not.  I had a good Christmas and new year's with my family. We finally got all of our Christmas stuff down and some left to put away still. We have put up some valentines day decorations now. Right now as I write this I feel unwarranted anxiety, and severe pain all over. My skin feels so tight as if I'm swollen all over. Pins and needles all over. I want to crawl in bed and hide and sleep. I can't stand this feeling. I can't even sit still because of my pai...