Ex's

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I reckon I should blog to try to get things off my chest.  
Yesterday I found out some news about one of my ex-bfs. I found out that he passed away from a major cardiac arrest. Apart of me wants to rejoice in the fact that I no longer have to worry about running into him ever again. Apart of me feels sorry for him and his daughter and family. The conflict is real. He passed away on labor day and the day before my brother's birthday. All day yesterday my mind was filled with the horrible memories that I now know was of him cheating on me. Rather the memories of him cheating on his woman by spending time with me and spending time with my family.
My husband tried to remind me of the memories with him. However, just as PTSD normally behaves I couldn't think and focus on those memories. I have the memories of me and my husband, the day he proposed,  swimming in his aunt's pool, going to the farmer's market, painting and cleaning up our house, picking out our mattress for our house, picking out our sofa and loveseat, shopping for food, Thanksgiving with his mom dad aunt and family. The memories are there folks. However my flashbacks were not very happy and focused on my ex-bf... just like they still are today to some degree. 
Folks, I'm telling you that PTSD is not pretty. He called me names and later tried to justify it. A friend of mine tried to get him to spend time with me while I was working one night and he refused to do so. He'd rather sit in the truck on his phone most likely talking to other women. Being put down like that really damages your self image of yourself. Why am I not good enough for him to spend time with me while I work? Am I doing something wrong? Is my attitude in check? Is my breath bad? Am I to fat? Does he not like what I am wearing today?  Am I to pushy? A million other things ran through my head. My friend said that I had done nothing wrong in that situation but I still feel like it was me. 

This is my voice. This is my blog. 
HEAR ME ROAR 

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