My Daily Struggle

November 27, 2017: I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to say anymore. I pour my heart out to you. I am a bit depressed right at the moment.  I have so much stuff going on in my mind from work, personal health issues, and life. I'm attracted to a few guys that I will never be with. Either on a mental or physical attraction level. I truly believe I'm supposed to stay single anymore. It seems like everyone has kids, is divorced or just dumb. I don't want to be a guy's Jiminy Cricket and tell him that's not smart. I don't want to be his brains and figure everything out for him. I don't want to be his common sense. I don't want to do the thinking for both of us. I have enough things to think about as is. I want a Christian that will go to church with me and help me build my faith. I've been to local churches and Christian sites. No one talks to you on there. No one is interested in me. They admire the fact that I'm opening myself u...

November 23, 2017: Today is the national holiday we here in America call Thanksgiving. I can't begin to express my thoughts about it. If this blog is long, my apologies to you as the reader. Many many years ago the pilgrims who traveled here struggled to survive. The local Native Americans had been living here for years and years. They all put their differences aside for a time and helped each other out. There was so much the pilgrims learned from the Native Americans. They gathered one day and had a very large feast and celebrated. They were thankful for everything. Today, we are a great nation. I am little ol' me. I have not done anything incredible. I will not be read about in books. However, I can still tell you that I'm very grateful for many things. *Christ dying on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins *My family *My 2 best friends Frank and Autumn *My other friends that I will not call out by name *My job *My church family *My doctors *Technology to treat my h...

November 15, 2017: I have to remind myself everyday, you are living today. You are not living in tomorrow. You are not living in yesterday. Today. Right now! This second. Not in an hour. Now! I wanted to say that I can't work tomorrow, because I hurt today. I can't do that. I have to try everyday, despite all of the mental pain and physical pain I'm in. Today, I drank a glass of Thyme tea with honey and a glass of Green tea with honey in hopes of easing my fibromyalgia and arthritis. Just a few days ago I had a face to face run in with an old boyfriend of mine. I know he recognized me because he made eye contact with me, lingered around while I spoke to a friend. Then once I walked away, I found my very protective loving brother, told my brother that he was there, saw me and made eye contact with me. I then quickly disappeared in one of the mall corridors for employees only. My brother later told me that he had followed me down the Dillards wing looking around for me. I la...

November 12, 2017: Tick tock, tick tock goes 2 of the clocks in the house near me. My head feels like it's in a vice grip. My entire body feels like I've been in a car accident and was severely bruised all over. My face even hurts. I'm still itchy from the medicine I was taking for my fibromyalgia. I can tell it's starting to leave my system. I finally got a hold of gluten free medicine. I go back to my Dr tomorrow for further treatment and to discuss the possibility of disability. I know that I'm going to be in pain and have good days and bad days. However, I'm having more bad days than good right now. I understand the cold temperatures, the rain, and the future snow will always effect me. I know that I've been a bit depressed recently. However, I have so much on my plate right now, that it's running off the sides of the plate. I'm completely overwhelmed. All I can do is pray, take it one day at a time ask for prayers and deal with it the best I can...

November 1, 2017: I am ok. I am alive. I am breathing. I will survive. I'm a survivor. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Meaning, I have survived traumatic events. Everyday things that you may not think 2 seconds about, are things that trigger me. If I see a fire truck, I can feel hands gripped around my throat choking me and cutting the blood flow to my brain. I deal with triggers everyday.  I try to hide them from everyone when it's happening. However, last night as I blogged, I expressed feelings of what I deal with everyday. Some days are worse than others. Yes, I expressed very sad, depressive thoughts. Just because I have depressing thoughts, does not mean I will kill myself. You can not know what it is like seeing an abusive person's face everyday because it is burned into your memory. I promise. I am fine. I have family here. I have my friend Frank and Autumn whom I can and will reach out to first. They both keep me in check. They will kick my butt, talk, or...