My Daily Struggle

December 30, 2017: On December 29, at 9:30 am, I started going to counseling and I saw a Dr. I'm being diagnosed with Bi-polar II. My moods have been very unstable recently. I'm being put on different medicine than I was before. I am waiting now for the pharmacy to locate and obtain gluten free medicine for me. I started group counseling today.  It's interesting to say the least. There are people in there that I can relate with very easily.  I hope this makes me not feel alone. I know I'm not, yet I feel like I am. I have my parents, and my 2 friends. Group counseling was tough cause my anxiety reared its ugly head a bit. It wasn't severe, just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Men and women both. I sat between women to try to feel more comfortable. I wanted to run away and hide. Once I got home it calmed down. I want to get my agoraphobia under control when it comes to unfamiliar territory. I made a decision today to do the $1 a week savings plan as my New Yea...

December 24, 2017: I am going through a lot right now. However, I don't want friends or family to worry about me right now. I have my parents and my 2 best friends who I'm in contact with daily. Right now I only need good vibes, good thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe down the road. I'm getting the help I need. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

December 23, 2017: It's just shortly after midnight, and I've had a miserable day. I am in excruciating pain from head to toe. It rained.  So my arthritis hurt, and my fibromyalgia hurt. In addition to that pain last night at work I injured my left index finger and now I can't bend it. I am extremely irritable and I just want to scream at everyone for no reason, and for everything! Dad would walk through the house and I could feel every step he took as if he was stepping on me instead of the floor. I am so physically tired and exhausted. I'm physically drained. Just being in existence felt like it hurt. I'm pretty certain my hair hurt, because I hurt so bad. My pain was beyond a 10 today. I slept from 3:45 am till 11am and again from 12:30pm till 3:15pm. I used heat, my oils, pain medication, and got no relief. I'm not sure what else to do. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

December 11, 2017: When I or anyone else is dealing with PTSD flashbacks, it's not pretty. When I feel threatened, I get on the extreme defensive end when there is no need to be. I reach the fight or flight mode. I'm ready to fight or I'm ready to run, and sometimes it's both. I found this in my readings about PTSD. Just a list of things you should know about when dealing with someone who has PTSD. 1. Give me space when I need to be alone – don’t overwhelm me with questions. I’ll come and talk to you when I’m ready. 2. Get away from me if I am out of control, threatening, or violent. 3. Be patient with me, especially if I am irritable. 4. Don’t personalize my behavior when I explode or get quiet. 5. Learn and rehearse a time out process. 6. Don’t patronize me or tell me what to do. Treat me with respect and include me in conversations and decision making. 7. Don’t pity me. 8. Don’t say “I understand” when there are some...

December 10, 2017: PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm doing some reading about it in order to help explain it to you, my readers. Many people don't understand it. I found a few things to help me explain it. To be diagnosed with PTSD, an adult must have all of the following for at least 1 month: *At least one re-experiencing symptom *At least one avoidance symptom *At least two arousal and reactivity symptoms *At least two cognition and mood symptoms Re-experiencing symptoms include: *Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating *Bad dreams *Frightening thoughts Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. The symptoms can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing symptoms. Avoidance symptoms include: *Staying away from places, events, or objects that are rem...

December 7, 2017: Most people know today as Pearl Harbor Day. In my family, today is known as the day Memaw, Momma, Wife, and our Sister, passed away. I wrote a poem years ago about the dearest person to all of us. Mostly about what she was to me. WHAT IS A MEMAW? A Memaw ...      ... is gentle,      ... is kind,      ... is beautiful,      ... teaches you how to plant seeds,      ... gives advice and help when needed,      ... puts fresh picked berries lined up uniformly on the edge of a cabinet and then comes back and says, "Where did my berries go?" Knowing full well, where they were,      ... makes potato bread and slices it fresh out of the oven,      ... makes forts out of bedsheets and chairs,      ... gives sink baths when the showers are full,      ... makes Mickey Mous...

December 6, 2017:  Have I ever mentioned how I hate anemia? No...? I do. Last night I hit my knee on a chair. Not even an hour later I had a nice sized bruise on my knee. I randomly get bruises from who knows where along my legs and arms. I look like I have been beat up at times. Only by myself though. Then last night while I was running the floor scrubber, my right arm started to hurt from just about 2 inches above my elbow and all the way down to the tips of my fingers. The pain spread fast. The next thing I know, I was no longer able to move my hand. For a half hour I couldn't move it. My fingers were not even twitching. My hand was completely seized up and my muscles contorted in my hand, making my hand look weird for a lack of a better description. I'm pretty certain this was all because of my lovely fibromyalgia. Muscle spasms, and pain. My brother asked if I had medicine to take. Well, nothing that was an immediate muscle relief like what he was thinking about. Then, su...

December 5, 2017: Yesterday morning as I was talking to my friend, he inadvertently triggered a flashback and my anxiety flared up. I wanted to shut my phone off and not talk to him right then and there. I couldn't fight off the memories, the pain, the touch. I got in the shower, tried and tried to force myself to feel the heat, and the texture of the water on my skin. I felt like I was drowning in my misery and my thoughts. I felt like I was back at the exact moment in time it happened. My chest was tightened and killing me from the pain. I was afraid. Trembling uncontrollably. I knew it wasn't his fault. We had never discussed the topic. I don't like saying it. I can't say what happened. I want to hide it from myself. Pretend it never happened. Right now, thinking about it is causing panic and fear. Trying to blog about the feeling and emotions I went through is torture. You never truly know fear, until some buried memory and scar, is scraped up and poked and prodded ...