My Daily Struggle

August 28, 2017: "Yeah, I get it you're an outcast Always under attack always coming in last Bringing up the past no one owes you anything I think you need a shotgun blast a kick in the ass So paranoid Watch your back! I created the sound of madness Wrote the book on pain Somehow I'm still here to explain That the darkest hour never comes in the night You can sleep with a gun When you gonna wake up and fight? For yourself" That last phrase about sleeping with a gun but when you going to wake up and fight for yourself. I'm fighting for myself and right now that feels like world war 3. I'm tired mentally and physically. I'm involved with 3 jobs and not sure how much longer I can hold out. I'm taking care of me. No one else. I'll fight my battle.  I'll survive. I'll persevere. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

August 25, 2017: I know that I have not wrote in a few days, and I send my apologies. I started my job at Meijer this week working full time. I work a couple days a week at the mall now. I'm still babysitting my cousins as well. They are still absolutely cute and wonderful as ever. I would not trade anything for them. They are my life right now. Monday I went down to Tennessee to see the eclipse at totality. It was amazing to be able to look at the sun without special glasses. To see the diamond ring.  I'm very grateful that I went to see the totality. I got to see some of my family as well before I went home. However, upon arriving home, I discovered my sweet Skizix had wondered off most likely to find a place to lay down to pass away. I'm completely heartbroken and lost without my fur buddy. I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off it. My amazing trip was just completely ruined by the loss of my fuzz-ball. How do you move forward from the loss of a pet that w...

August 20, 2017: I completely lost my cool today. One emotion was all it took. The feelings of neglect caused me to feel  undesirable, the urge to run far away, the urge to fight if I needed to. I was afraid to speak. Afraid to move. I felt numb to my surroundings. I barely remember everything that was happening or said. I shut down. People asked what was it I wanted. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. I felt all the emotions from my past. The fear. The anger. Neglect. Disappointment. Broken hearted. All I could see was my past. I felt like I was with "him" who hurt me. I saw him get up and walk away from me as I looked clueless and lost about what I did wrong. It was all my fault, and I just knew it was as a result of my actions. I did something wrong.  I didn't know what I did. I was so emotionally and physically tired. I don't know what to think. I'll try again tomorrow perhaps. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

August 18, 2017: Some days I feel like I'm unable to clearly express thoughts and feelings that are felt by those of us with PTSD. I have a few friends that could be described as always happy and very outgoing. However I'm not one of those people. Do I wish I could be one of those people, yes. Do I wish I wasn't constantly terrified that somebody was following me? Do I wish that I would not have to look over my shoulder and be afraid of the next person that will hurt me? Do I wish I could forget the hands that were wrapped around my throat? Do I live in fear of the ones that threatened my life and threatened to kill me? Yes. My triggers are different from everyone else's triggers. A simple fire truck, a Kentuckiana highway patrol car, the sight of my abusers, a certain section of town, a homeless person, are just some of my triggers. Certain objects, certain motions, certain sounds, people, places, smells are all triggers of happy memories.  However, they can also be tr...

August 17, 2017: Mid-day thoughts. Everyone has a story. You don't know their story. However, you can influence it. Today, I went to orientation for my new job. As I sat in orientation, we watched a very powerful, and slightly emotional video. It showed people of everyday life, coming into a store to shop. You don't know what is going on in that person's life right then. One person could be burying a loved family member. One person maybe a little old lonely lady. One person might be a new dad trying to figure out what kind of diapers to buy. Another person could be trying to work 2 jobs to go to college. Another person could be an empty nester expecting their kids to come home for a visit. I found this video to be very true. You don't know my story. Maybe I'm having a bad day. You come in, and you are mad because your product you bought was defective. You start yelling at me. After you leave, I might go to the back and start crying my head off. Did you make my day ...

August 15, 2017: Today I'm not really sure what to write about. Do I write about my opinion about Charlottesville? Do I bring up that I went to orientation today at Meijer? How about my sudden attack of allergies and the severe sore throat yesterday? Report of how my ankle is? My mental state? How about my work week and how it's going? I'm still stressed out some, but not as bad. My celiac disease has calmed down as a result of the stress. My ankle gets better every day. I sorta rolled it last week but it feels better. I'm fighting a sudden increase in my allergies and all the stuff draining from my head. As a result I had a very severe sore throat yesterday. Today, however, breathing has been over rated and non-essential. I feel a lot of congestion in my lungs, which causes quite a bit of coughing. This too, shall pass. I'm working 4 jobs this week. I'm working my regular Mall job plus my babysitting and one day for the animal rides job. However I am moving on...

August 12, 2017: When you are facing every single emotion possible, sometimes you loose all self control and breakdown. Yesterday, that happened. I could not maintain my composure. I broke down into tears multiple times. A former boyfriend of mine has made contact with me. This guy meant the world to me. He opened my eyes to new things. He tried to get me out to live my life. After our breakup I dated one other guy. After everything I went thru I started developing  a mild case of agoraphobia. It was not a crippling case of it. I would make excuses why I could not or would not hang out with friends or family. The excuses were not lies. I would be tired from work, or cleaning house or something. I was always terrified an ex-boyfriend would see me and harass me or worse, hurt me. I still am. Most days I'd rather stay home, make no plans, do nothing, stay away from people. I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I've been cheated on, abused, raped, and touched by a teacher. I've ...

August 10, 2017: Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live? I don't need permission, make my own decisions That's my prerogative that's my prerogative  It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative) You can’t tell me what to do why can't I live my life without all of the things That people say Those are some of the lyrics to the song My Prerogative. I have had several people come to me asking me if I said this or that, if I did this or that. Accusing me of doing things. LEAVE ME ALONE! Leave my name out of your mouth. Do you hate your life so much that you have to drag my name thru the mud? I'm going to tell you right now that the people you told that lie to, is coming to me and asking for the truth. At that point you look like a moron and a liar. I'm going to do you a favor. SHUT UP BEFORE YOU SPREAD LIES! Save yourself the humiliation and embarrassment. If you think I like someone, ask me b...

August 8, 2017: I finally got the phone call and the news that I've been waiting for for several weeks now. I'm going back to a job that I had previously left. I'm kind of excited but at the same time I'm kind of nervous. My former boss is looking forward to me coming back. I am slightly nervous due to the fact that some of the things there has changed. However, I have changed as well. I would like to think that I have changed for the better. My health has changed in good and bad ways. I'm not as sick due to food allergies and I've missed less days at work. However I do have to take a few more breaks then what I did before. Before there were days that I could work straight through break and not need one. Hrowever now I need my breaks. Last night I got a text message from my dear friend Autumn. She too is going through some difficulties, and I love how we can lean on each other even in the times of our trials. We both are dealing with our own struggles right now...

August 5, 2017: Some days are next to impossible to fight through. I'm going on my 10th day now with this constant headache/migraine. Most days it's tolerable. Some days it's "leave me alone" throbbing, light and sound piercing, pain. Today's headache pain is accompanied by my usual arthritis and some minor ankle pain. However today has been exceptionally hard. General moodiness. The feeling of desire to snap some heads off just for looking at you or talking to you. The desire to be ALONE! Not go to work. Stay home and ice my ankle, do some essential oil massage to my ankle and knees. Some days it's impossible to smile. You can't see any good in your life. Someone came to me and asked if I went to mall management and ratted on him for something? I said no. Seriously, people have nothing better to do than to make up lies about me? Then a male coworker started cussing at me when I asked if he could help my brother and I out at the end of the night, tell...

August 2, 2017: Tonight I was at church talking to a friend about our physical therapy we are both enduring from injuries. Since tonight was being devoted to singing, I wanted to find a song about strength. At first I didn't really find one. However I came across the song "Count your blessings". It says count your blessings, name them one by one. I paused for a moment and had to think long and hard about that in my life. Yes, I have arthritis, celiac disease, ptsd, anxiety, allergies, and probably sleep apnea as well. However, I don't have cancer. I have my legs, arms, fingers, and toes. I  have a roof over my head. I have a bed at night. I am able to work despite my pain. I have a loving family. I have a few good friends I trust. I have the freedom of speech. The freedom to choose not to date instead of an arranged marriage. I may not be rich. I may not be the hottest woman on the planet. However, I'm alive. I may suffer from my past, but I am able to walk even...

August 1, 2017: First day back to work. Not going the greatest. I'll probably be on a restricted work schedule. I've only worked 2 hours and already hurting something fierce. Everyone has been happy to see me and asked where I've been. Well I was on medical leave because of my sprained ankle. It has definitely been worse than the first time I did it in high school. Severe bruising and swelling accompanied by pain. I'm already taking anti inflammatory medicine for my arthritis and the Dr's simply said to take Advil or Tylenol or something like that. Seriously?  I'm taking prescription anti inflammatory medicine and all I'm allowed to take is Advil for a sprained ankle? Give me some real pain meds! This girl is hurting. My work shift is over, and I have severe swelling again, not to surprised though. Ice and elevation now. I'm so exhausted though. Thanks for all thoughts and prayers, questions and concerns. I'll be fine. I promise. Night night world. ...