My Daily Struggle

It's Christmas time again. The season of giving and receiving. I'm ready for Christmas day this year. I'm married to my best friend and I couldn't be any happier. I know some of you may be struggling due to the death of a loved ones anniversary date or that you just lost someone recently. I too know that pain. My grandmother died 10 years ago on December 7th. I know some of you have seasonal depression. I too know the pain of it.  Don't allow the gloomy grey skies get to you though.  This is also the season of love. Focus on your blessings that you have. Family, parents, children, husbands, wives, siblings, and yes even friends. Be thankful for your job, car, house, clothes, etc. Some people don't have it.  This is my voice. This is my blog.  HEAR ME ROAR 

Another month of wedded bliss has come and gone. We will be celebrating our 6 month anniversary this month. We've put our Christmas tree up and getting ready for the holidays. Don't get me wrong we will be celebrating Thanksgiving, however he wants to put up decorations while it is still warm out. I tend to agree. I cannot wait to get my wedding dress made into a tree skirt and put under the tree for years to come.  We applied for Indiana housing assistance and got approved miraculously. Now we can save up a lot more money for an suv of some sort to help get family members to dr appointments easier. This is my voice. This is my blog.  HEAR ME ROAR 

I'm gonna rant! Ugh... why is it when you post something that you fully whole heartedly believe in, on your Facebook page,  that someone else disagrees with you, that they have to leave your friend list and block you, and argue with your friends over it? Seriously,  if you have a problem with my beliefs or don't hold the same beliefs, then so what! I don't understand how grown adults can act so childish over beliefs and values of others. Why are we teaching our kids that you can't be friends with someone else of a different color and race, or someone with different values and beliefs? That is the big problem with society now. I got unfriended by a cousin in law and now a former neighbor of mine because I have different beliefs about the BLM and Breonna Taylor case. Apparently you have to believe in the BLM even though that in and of itself is racist and I believe breonna Taylor was not totally innocent.  At this point in time I no longer care if I loose more friends ove...

October now and married life is great. We have decorated the house for Halloween and I'd love to get more decorations for the house on the outside.  He is thinking about getting some paint and Styrofoam to make tomb stones. I can't wait to make those!  Wednesday the 7th, I was bowling really good and then I went to bowl at one point during the 3rd game and hyper extended my 2 middle fingers.  My ring finger got it the worst.  So I'm not going to be bowling this week. I'm in a league with my husband, a friend and a coworker of his.  We, (I), finally ordered  our wedding album from shutterfly and can't wait to see them in person. I need to get a wedding picture for our picture frame that we got as a gift. Then on Tuesday the 20th I went to the urgent care department and found out that I may have diverticulitis. I have to go to my Dr and get some tests done to confirm the urgent care Dr's suspicion of it. Im not sure what my Dr will want to do but I know CT Sc...

I reckon I should blog to try to get things off my chest.   Yesterday I found out some news about one of my ex-bfs. I found out that he passed away from a major cardiac arrest. Apart of me wants to rejoice in the fact that I no longer have to worry about running into him ever again. Apart of me feels sorry for him and his daughter and family. The conflict is real. He passed away on labor day and the day before my brother's birthday. All day yesterday my mind was filled with the horrible memories that I now know was of him cheating on me. Rather the memories of him cheating on his woman by spending time with me and spending time with my family. My husband tried to remind me of the memories with him. However, just as PTSD normally behaves I couldn't think and focus on those memories. I have the memories of me and my husband, the day he proposed,  swimming in his aunt's pool, going to the farmer's market, painting and cleaning up our house, picking out our mattress for our...

I feel like I have been struggling to be a good woman and wife to my husband. I feel like I can't keep up my energy level to come home and cook supper for him or clean house. I barely have enough energy to do laundry for both of us. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I have done nothing but travel for work this month. Is it wrong for me to want to make a little more money for us to pay bills with? Do all women struggle with these feelings or is it just me? How do women with kids maintain a good and clean home? All I want to do is come home and relax after a day of work. I have things to buy and pay for. Bills coming out of my account. How can I take care of him, when I can't take care of myself? I sometimes feel like we actually have 4 people to care for,  not just us, but in a small way we do have 4 people to care for including our own selves.  His mom and brother. We shop for them and he takes care of them by taking them to appointments.  This is my voice. This is my bl...

Well, I've officially been married for 8 days now. We didn't go anywhere special for our honeymoon. However, we did still enjoy time with each other. We are still trying to get moved in together, but we are mostly in now. Yesterday my husband got introduced to my dad's familly, almost weekly crisis. A elderly horse slipped and fell and cracked a rib the vet thinks. He's ok just a little sore, banged up, and slow. Today is my first day back to work, meanwhile, he goes back tomorrow.  Yay us!  Some may ask what are my thoughts on the riots. Well, I personally think they are stupid. Walmart is closing early. My job closed last week while I was off. The riots are not honoring what he would want according to his own family. It is only causing a headache for those who don't want to participate. I feel like they need to get over this racism stuff and "kiss and make up" as I once heard.  This is my blog. This is my voice.  HEAR ME ROAR 

I'm so stressed out and angry. It's 12 days before the wedding and we have no tuxes for the wedding and men's wearhouse is beating around the bush and will ignore me and talk to me then all of a sudden. They say they are looking into something and to give them a moment. So I give them a moment and then I ask what did they find out and I get a standardized message saying they are experiencing high volumes and to wait till they can get to me. I replied this is unacceptable. I've been on hold since 8 am! David's Bridal is open. There is no reason why men's wearhouse can't be opened and give us our tuxes on time and in a decent time before the wedding.  Not on the 29th possibly through the mail. Rant over!  I can't wait until May 30th. I'm getting married!  It's becoming more and more exciting and real everyday for us.   This is my blog. This is my voice.  HEAR ME ROAR.

Well I'm still alive and well for now. I'm surviving. My fiance and I found a good house to live in. It is small but perfect for starting out. I hope everyone has had a good Easter holiday. I spent it with my parents. So far wedding is still on track to happen just not sure about the reception part and having our guests be there too. I've been off work for about a month now but I'm staying busy cleaning up the house, painting it and getting it ready for moving in, in about a month. I can't believe that the wedding is only 38 days away from now. Today we got some furniture delivered to our house and we were able to get it paid off in 2 payments due to my unemployment.  My fiance and I are both doing well and have some family members that are in need of prayers. We also need your prayers as we start our new adventure in our new home and in marriage.  This is my voice. This is my blog.  HEAR ME ROAR

Stupid coronavirus. I'm off work due to it. I have no idea how long I'll be off. I have to file for unemployment in the state I work in too. I'm wired right now. I feel like I have enough energy to run a marathon.  I'm no longer on my depo shot so I'm not sure if I'm manic from my bipolar or if my hormones are messing with me. A few days ago I had a severe PTSD attack and I completely lost all control over my mind. Then a couple nights later I dreamed that I had the same attack all over again.  I was emotionally and mentally drained. I hate feeling and being weak like that. I felt rage, yet like I was completely out of my mind.  I felt like happy and sad all at the same moment. I was unworthy of my fiance's love I felt. I still feel emotionally out of control. I'm trying so hard to not take it out on everyone but it's like everyone is trying there hardest to make me mad. I'm lost. I'm confused. I don't know what end is up and what end is ...

Everything hurts. I need a new body. My hip is screaming in agony, a sharp pain almost. I itch yet my skin hurts to be touched. I've eaten a few bites of lunch. Nothing really sounds good or tastes good except gluten. Gluten will send me into a flare up of my celiac disease and possibly even my fibromyalgia symptoms. I'm cold. I got very few hours of sleep last night. Weed would help cure my pain, but lawmakers say that it is not needed and to take the big pharma drugs instead. I can only take advil and use my essential oils to help ease the pain away.  Tomorrow Mom and I go to the florist shop to see about flowers for my wedding in May. It's so close, only 3 months away. I'm excited. Everyd almost we get mor Rsvp's in the mail from people responding of who is coming or not. We want to invite everyone but we know we have limited space. This is my blog. This is my voice.  HEAR ME ROAR 

It's the new year. Day 2 of 2020. I don't have any earth shattering resolutions. I want to be a better person to my fiance soon to be husband. I want to be a better Christian to God, and a great example to my man. I got my new year's kiss. I'm almost 6 months away from my wedding day. I'm still unsure of what is going to happen with work this year. Either way I'm not exactly looking forward to it.  Christmas was amazing. I got things I wanted to get, things that I needed to get as well. I got a 2 man hunting blind and a chair to go with it. I got a heated spa foot bath and an electric toothbrush which my dentist recommended. I got some warm fuzzy wool socks and some gift cards from family. I even got a cocacola straw holder and recipe box. I got my fiance some dress pants and shirts for church. He's lost so much weight since we started dating. I bought his wedding band and I'm expecting it in the mail any day now. Now to pick out his silicon safety weddi...