My Daily Struggle

January 24, 2018: The work refrigerator. It is a place where people bring or place leftover food for their lunch while working. When you place your food in there, you hope that it is still there when you return for it. When you walk into work, and a dumb coworker asks if some certain food was yours, and says he ate part of it, it makes you irrate! This very thing happened to me. I received free Chinese food that I specifically picked out for myself that was not breaded. Came to work and new guy asked if it was mine. Yes. I looked at it and it was half gone! On top of that, he used his fork that he leaves here and never washes it and stuck it in my food! I ended up throwing the food away because that thought is so disgusting. I'm so furious. I can't see straight! Dinner tonight consists of my 1 crab ragoon, sunflower seeds, and water with lemon. I guess I'm on a diet tonight. Stop stealing other people's food! Stop making them starve for lunch to satisfy your own hunge...

January 22, 2017: I want to blog but not to sure what I should or need to say. I'm still getting help for my Bi-polar II, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm looking at a membership at the YMCA to do the therapy pool. The therapy pool would benefit my fibromyalgia and arthritis so much. It's actually cheaper at the YMCA than planet fitness. I think Friday I'll go down there and get my membership. I also heard about a reduced price for low income people, so I'll try for that. I can't wait to go back to my group therapy and to get started on my individual counseling. My mental health has become so important to me recently. Mostly because it has gotten worse. My bipolar started kicking my butt, my agoraphobia was getting the best of me. I have a Dr appointment today and I don't want to leave now. I'm nervous now as I prepare to leave. Tightness in the chest and nervous. This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR

January 20, 2018: Not certain what to say. I'm in severe pain. I am cramped up and grouchy due to female reproductive system hormones. Dealing with arthritis. Dealing with my fibro. I was asked what is fibromyalgia like and to describe it. It feels like my skin is on fire. Feels like I was in a car accident hit head on. You feel every inch of your body quivering. You feel like bugs are crawling on you. Feels like a Charlie-horse all over your body. It's so hard to explain. People touch you and nearly sends you to the moon cause the pain shoots you out of this world! I had so many people touch me on the shoulder today. I wanted to scream at them. People patted me hard on the shoulder and I wanted to punch them hard. I almost punched one person today but I didn't do a thing but smile. People don't get that touch can cause severe pain. I'm laying in bed, in tears cause I hurt so bad. I can't get comfortable. There will be no comfortable position tonight in bed. T...

January 15, 2018: This weekend hasn't been the best, but not bad. I recovered from the flu, and immediately went back to work. I apologized to someone for the trouble and strife between us.  I'm not sure things will ever go back to being normal between us. Not sure if I can allow it to be back to normal. So many things happened. My anxiety was bad this weekend at work. Looking back, I think it had to do with the number of hours I worked this weekend. It also has to do with the double standard  things we deal with at work. What I mean by that is, you can't leave it outside, but you can't leave it inside. I don't deal with stress well, and this certainly stresses me out. I try to solve the problem myself, when it's not my problem to solve. Today at group, I got triggered just by talk about child molesters. During break I went outside, but I wanted to be alone for a minute to calm down. I knew better than that. I didn't listen to my voice of reason though. I ...

January 12, 2018: Have you ever had someone to tell you that your feelings was wrong towards certain situations? I have. A lot! I was having issues with my female reproductive system and very severe cramps as a young teen, and getting sick from it. The doctor decided to do a physical exam in me. While his hand was in me he's saying, "That's odd I can't find your ovaries." After he was done I felt a bit violated in some sort of weird way. Something about the whole thing felt wrong. I can't say why. I don't think he was trying to be sexual about it, but yet I couldn't shake that feeling of being violated. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was so young as a woman. I had never been touched that way down there. However, I brought the subject up with someone and was point blank told my feelings were WRONG! All my life I've been told if something didn't feel right or feel comfortable that there was probably something wrong with the situation. I ...

January 5, 2018: I haven't blogged in a couple of days and everything is going well. I am still going to my group counseling. I actually enjoy going now. I don't have issues with my Agoraphobia when I go to counseling. I wished (along with others in group) that we could continue to go to group throughout the week and not just on Fridays once we graduate. Myself and a few others all agree that we are the sane ones and everyone else in the world are the crazy ones. The sane people get help. The insane don't get help. Everyone needs help. It's just a matter of who you reach out to for help. If you don't reach out for help, you can go insane. I went to work again yesterday and my anxiety wasn't as bad as the first day back to work after taking time off to get myself treated and to get help. My first day back was miserable. I have had a few people to try to reach out to me and to talk to me, but I didn't want to talk to them just yet. I'm still nervous about...

January 1, 2018: HAPPY NEW YEAR! Today is the new year. Today is a new me, supposedly. This is day 2 of starting my new medicine. Technically speaking, day 3. I don't like how the medicine is making me feel. I feel jittery, on edge, like my anxiety is in full gear, and like I'm in a fog.  Heart rate is elevated some. Get me off of this stuff! I hate this stuff. I've been on it before. I can't even think to write this. I think it's going to be short today. Arrrrgggghhhh! This is my blog. This is my voice. HEAR ME ROAR